Help Kids Decode What They're Feeling

Be A Translator

When kids have strong feelings they often can't express what they really mean. They take short cuts and say things like, "I'm stupid," or "You're mean." While they're able to express the energy of the emotion they're experiencing, they might be unable to give it a name. When this happens we can give them "feeling" words to help make sense of their experience. We can reduce their confusion by linking their behavior to the feeling they're experiencing.  

When we increase their feeling vocabulary they become better able to identify their emotions and the situations that cause them. For example, when a child says "I'm stupid," you can comment that they seem dissatisfied with themselves. Then you can ask questions or explore together what's not going well for them. Maybe they're angry with themselves because they tend toward perfectionism and have trouble making mistakes. You can then help them develop tolerance for less than perfect attempts and be more gentle with themselves. Or perhaps they're sad and feeling hopeless about their ability to do well on their math homework. You can sympathize knowing that this a difficult subject for them while also reminding them of their competence and the importance of persistence. When you name the emotions they're exhibiting you help them gain self knowledge and you have the opportunity to offer guidance and support.    

Imagine What They're Feeling

It might seem wrong to just guess what a child is feeling, but it's better to guess than not comment at all. It's true you might be wrong, but there are two reasons to try. The first reason is that your attention, not your accuracy, is what matters most. Kids depend on our noticing their emotional states; it is being attune to their feelings that makes them feel seen and important. Secondly, if you've guessed wrong most kids will readily let you know. It's important to them that you to get it right and they'll correct you if you're off base. When you're uncertain about what feeling is being expressed, check their body language. Notice and comment on their facial expression. Say something like: "I see there's a frown on your face." Or notice their tone of voice and say: "Your voice is so quiet, I wonder if you're feeling shy." Or perhaps there's a behavior you can comment on: "I see you're pacing; that must be a hard assignment." Commenting on what you're seeing can help open up discussion and lead to unearthing whatever emotions haven't been fully understood. Your support helps them become more emotionally aware and better able to mange their emotions the next time.

What experiences have you had helping your children through their feelings? What kind of body language have you encountered that has clued you into what they might be feeling? I would love to know - Tweet to me at @PeggyKTietz.

Expressing Emotions Keeps You Healthy

Even as adults, many of us still may be puzzled by what we’re feeling. Often we weren’t taught to pay attention to our feelings or distinguish between them. Like seeing or hearing, emotions alert us to how we’re responding to events, or to the people around us. Emotions need to be a comfortable part of who we are, a part that we accept and value, rather than hid or deny.   

I thought that if I could create a guide that clearly explains each emotion and its unique purpose, then adults might better help children know why emotions are important. We experience emotions every day, so children need guidance in recognizing them. They need help learning to read faces or body language that signal an emotion. They need help in making distinctions between being tired or angry, or being really afraid or just a little shy. Helping kids slow down and make these distinctions will help them become more aware of themselves and more sensitive toward others. Of course, when adults can comfortably express their own emotions, then children have a model to emulate and will feel freer in sharing their own emotions.      

  

Dr. Candace B. Pert in her book, Molecules of Emotion:  Why You Feel the Way You Feel,  talks about the importance of expressing emotions this way:  “ My research has shown me that when emotions are expressed--which is to say that the biochemical’s that are the substrate of emotion are flowing freely--all systems are united and made whole. When emotions are repressed, denied, not allowed to be whatever they may be, our network pathways get blocked, stopping the flow of the vital feel-good unifying chemicals that run both our biology and our behavior.”   

Here's an interesting Bill Moyer's interview with  Dr. Pert.

You can learn more about Dr. Pert here.