When Is Being Cheerful Counterproductive?

Photo Credit: Disney Pixar

I've been curious about Joy's role in the Pixar movie Inside Out.  Joy was a primary emotion in Riley's early life in Minnesota.  Riley was secure and all her major experiences were happy ones.  Joy didn't really have to work very hard, but that changed when Riley moved to a new city.   Suddenly, Joy had to work a lot harder because Riley was increasingly unhappy.  We see Joy hovering over the control panel keeping Sadness at bay and energetically maneuvering to put a positive spin on Riley's experiences.  She only wants to keep Riley happy and help her make the most of her new situation.  We can identify with Joy's desire to emphasize the positive, and we know that maintaining a positive attitude often proves useful.  Research studies have consistently shown the benefits of a positive attitude: better health, school and career success, longevity, secure friendships, happiness and resilience.   Yet, in the movie, even with Joy's help, Riley's mood isn't changing.  

I think Riley's experience represents those times in life when we're overwhelmed with disappointments or loss and need time to adapt.  We need someone to see and acknowledge how we're feeling and being positive seems to deny our reality.  Actually, research is showing that there are times, like the situation Riley is facing, where being overly optimistic does not serve us well.  Searching for a silver lining can ignore reality and be detrimental.  

I'm reminded of a family session I conducted recently.  The adult son shared with his mother that her positive attitude sometimes got in the way of his feeling understood.  He talked of the time when he was young and seriously ill.  Her optimism had, in fact, made him feel more alone and frightened.  He knew he was ill, felt very weak and thought he was dying.  He had no one to share his fears with and only felt anger that his mother was denying reality.  He was in danger and he knew it.  He desperately needed confirmation of his reality and comfort.  Sometimes, the intensity of a situation taxes our resources; we need help mastering our situation and cheerful reassurance feels hollow.   

In Inside Out, Riley felt a disconnect between what she was feeling inside: sad and lonely; and what she was supposed to show on the outside: joy and optimism.  She desperately needed her parents to know how much despair she was feeling.  When difficult or scary things happen to us, we need our reality confirmed.  When it is minimized or ignored, we'll feel misunderstood.  The gulf between ourselves and another becomes larger.  My client would have fared much better, and not still be carrying this old hurt around, if his mother had acknowledged his fear and what was happening to him.  Similarly, Riley would have fared better if her parents had seen her sadness as it was happening and taken the time to listen to her feelings.  When we listen to someone's sadness or fears, we are not giving in to negativity; we are only accepting reality.  

In Inside Out, the acceptance of Riley's reality is represented by Joy's giving over the control panel to Sadness.  Joy acknowledges that hearing Riley's sadness is the way back to happiness.  And in truth, acknowledging reality can create more positive outcomes.  It makes us feel understood and cared about.  With this support we can help figure out ways to make things better and reassert our competence.  Riley does this by trying out for the hockey team again and succeeding this time. 

  

So, as research and the movie suggest, there are times in life that are too serious to be taken lightly.  Times when we need to accept rather than deny a difficult reality.  We can, though, have a positive attitude towards whatever challenges we face and a belief in our ability to manage them.  Looking reality in the face, helps us grow our capacity to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.  And this ultimately makes us studier and better able to handle difficult situations in the future. 

Sadness Saves the Day In Pixar's Inside Out - Part II

                                                             Photo Credit: Disney Pixar

The first island, Family, represents secure connections. Because of her attentive, loving parents, this island has always felt solid for Riley. But now, as Riley's parents are preoccupied, she feels neglected and this formally reliable island is shaky. The second island, Honesty, which represents personal values, is also in jeopardy. Riley wants to go back to Minnesota, so she steals her mom's credit card for bus money. The trust that made this island sturdy is now undermined. Meanwhile, the Friendship island crumbles because Riley feels friendless in her new city and wonders if her old friends still like her. The next island, Hockey, which is about personal likes and talents, has taken a hit when she doesn't feel excited about playing and quits her tryouts. And lastly, Goofball island, representing our silly playful nature is about to crumble as well. Her family has always clowned with one another, making goofy monkey gestures; now Riley doesn't even try to be funny.   

As Riley gets more out of sorts, we have a parallel story of Joy and Sadness accidentally getting sucked out of the control tower and landing in long term memory. There's a long sequence about their journey back to the control tower. While I think the crew at Pixar did an amazing job of illustrating how memory works, I think most young kids will have trouble following it. It's abstract, but the story line between Sadness and Joy keeps us engaged. Sadness is so sad that she flops on the floor and Joy has to pull her around. It's mimics the low energy Riley is experiencing, making her sullen and hiding in her room.  

Sadness' depleted energy and sense of helplessness starts to change when she and Joy encounter Bing Bong, Riley's nearly forgotten imaginary friend. Sadness sits down next to Bing Bong and does what she does best.  She listens to him remember some of the fun times he's had with Riley. His sadness is especially strong because he knows Riley has forgotten all about him. Sadness' allows Bing Bong to grieve the loss of his special relationship with Riley and helps him recover. With the support of Sadness, Bing Bong now has the energy to help them find their way back to the control tower. Joy is puzzled and doesn't quite realize what Sadness has done. Yet, she knows it is something unique to Sadness and something that she can't do.   

When Joy and Sadness get back to the control tower, things are whirling out of control: the other emotions aren't able to keep things in balance and there's a crisis to control and Riley is running away from home.  It is at this critical moment that Joy remembers how Sadness helped Bing Bong, so she puts Sadness in control.

Sadness helps Riley return home and talk to her parents about her sadness. Embraced and comforted by her parents, Riley cries and shares all the things that have been hard for her. Being heard and having her sadness acknowledged reassures her of her parents concern and caring.  Sadness is the emotion which, although not fun, helps us understand the value of things we've lost. Riley had good friends that she had fun with and it's hard to not have them close by. She was a valuable member of her hockey team and she misses the fun of being part of that team and knowing she was a valued member. Her family did lots of outdoors activities together and that's no longer happening.  She has lost all these things that once were a regular part of her life.  Without them her life has felt sad and empty.     

Riley needed space to feel sad and talk about what's been hard about giving those things up. Throughout life we all have to manage change and let go of things that have been meaningful. But that process is made much easier if we can embrace our sadness rather than hide it.  And then compassionately allow ourselves whatever time we need to heal.  When we give ourselves that space, we regain our resilience and open ourselves up to new experiences. Riley did this after she shared her heartbreak with her parents. The energy of her sadness got released and new energy emerged that allowed her to successfully join a new hockey team. Riley's new team will be different from her old one. But she'll have her memories, and the possibility of new connections and the knowledge of her capacity to manage change no matter how hard.

How did you like the movie? I'd love to know - tweet me @PeggyKTietz!

Help Kids Decode What They're Feeling

Be A Translator

When kids have strong feelings they often can't express what they really mean. They take short cuts and say things like, "I'm stupid," or "You're mean." While they're able to express the energy of the emotion they're experiencing, they might be unable to give it a name. When this happens we can give them "feeling" words to help make sense of their experience. We can reduce their confusion by linking their behavior to the feeling they're experiencing.  

When we increase their feeling vocabulary they become better able to identify their emotions and the situations that cause them. For example, when a child says "I'm stupid," you can comment that they seem dissatisfied with themselves. Then you can ask questions or explore together what's not going well for them. Maybe they're angry with themselves because they tend toward perfectionism and have trouble making mistakes. You can then help them develop tolerance for less than perfect attempts and be more gentle with themselves. Or perhaps they're sad and feeling hopeless about their ability to do well on their math homework. You can sympathize knowing that this a difficult subject for them while also reminding them of their competence and the importance of persistence. When you name the emotions they're exhibiting you help them gain self knowledge and you have the opportunity to offer guidance and support.    

Imagine What They're Feeling

It might seem wrong to just guess what a child is feeling, but it's better to guess than not comment at all. It's true you might be wrong, but there are two reasons to try. The first reason is that your attention, not your accuracy, is what matters most. Kids depend on our noticing their emotional states; it is being attune to their feelings that makes them feel seen and important. Secondly, if you've guessed wrong most kids will readily let you know. It's important to them that you to get it right and they'll correct you if you're off base. When you're uncertain about what feeling is being expressed, check their body language. Notice and comment on their facial expression. Say something like: "I see there's a frown on your face." Or notice their tone of voice and say: "Your voice is so quiet, I wonder if you're feeling shy." Or perhaps there's a behavior you can comment on: "I see you're pacing; that must be a hard assignment." Commenting on what you're seeing can help open up discussion and lead to unearthing whatever emotions haven't been fully understood. Your support helps them become more emotionally aware and better able to mange their emotions the next time.

What experiences have you had helping your children through their feelings? What kind of body language have you encountered that has clued you into what they might be feeling? I would love to know - Tweet to me at @PeggyKTietz.

Emotions Make Kids Smart

Photo Credit: ibosocial.com

There are three important reasons why helping kids understand their emotions makes them smart. First, when you help kids notice their emotions, they develop self awareness; second, when you help kids pause and problem solve on how to respond, they gain self control; and thirdly, helping them value their emotions helps them develop concern for other people’s emotions. Let's look at each one.

Self Awareness

When we help kids notice and name their emotions we help them become fully present to their experiences. Our attention tells them that what's happening to them is important. They can notice situations that cause them stress, or make them happy or sad. They can pay attention to how they're reacting when they meet new people, and distinguish who is trustworthy and who is not. Being attentive to their emotions gives kids a guide to determine which things are good for them and which aren't. This ability to observe emotions helps kids become more thoughtful. Not only will they observe how situations and other people are making them feel, they'll also be more aware of how their own behavior affects others. Kids who can reflect about their emotional reactions can strengthen their positive actions as well as accept their mistakes and learn from them.  

Self Control

When we help kids learn to pause after an emotional reaction we help them consider alternate ways of responding. Emotions are strong motivators for action and being able to stop this push toward action gives us the power to choose the best options. Yet, sometimes this option is not available to us because we have denied what we are feeling.  When we are out of touch with our feelings, our emotional reactions become unpredictable. They happen without our conscious input and rob us of the opportunity to make wise choices. Kids who can identify their emotions and pause before acting strengthen their ability to tolerate frustration. With time and practice they are less likely to respond impulsively and can become good problem solvers. Kids who can pause and consider their feelings are also more likely to express their feelings directly. It is much easier to help a child when we know exactly what's bothering him or her. These skills of sorting their best responses or expressing needs directly gives kids a sense of their own competence. When kids are able to manage their emotions they can extend this control to other situations, at school or home, or with peers or adults.   

Empathy

Helping kids accept and value their feelings helps them value and respect the feelings

of others. While we are hardwired to recognize emotions in others, this skill needs to be actively cultivated or it atrophies.We can strengthen this skill by helping our kids be kind and caring towards themselves. This means helping them accept their positive as well as their negative emotions. It's easy to accept positive emotions, but much harder to see our kids ashamed, angry or deeply sad. Yet all our emotions serve a purpose. They help kids express the full range of their feelings, which will give them comfort, confidence and emotional flexibility. They will be able to comfort a friend who's sad or be joyful when there's something to celebrate. Kids who are able to establish empathetic connections with others will have relationships that offer comfort, safety and support. These relationship skills will also make them cooperative classmates, teammates and loyal friends.