"Before Midnight" and Relationship Dynamics

I’ve just come back from seeing “Before Midnight”.  I haven’t seen Linklater’s two earlier movies that make up the trilogy.  I found this one a bit heavy and it reminded me a lot of Ingmar Bergman’s  “Scenes from a Marriage." Both are portraits of marital stress with intense dialogues and close ups that verge on being claustrophobic. I often wanted the camera to pan out to give Jesse and Celine and me more space. Mainly, I wanted Celine and Jesse to stop talking.  These were tired old arguments.  While I respect Linklater’s attempt to dissect the tensions in this couple, it felt too didactic, and sometimes contrived.  He did, though, cover a slew of relevant issues: gender stereotypes, work-career issues, cultural differences, parenting obligations, blended families, marital fidelity, attraction, sex and aging.  

Perhaps because I see couples in distress, I desperately wanted to slow this couple down and ask them to talk less and listen more.  As someone interested in emotions, I wanted them to notice the feelings behind the words.  When we get so caught up in the content of what we’re saying we don’t listen for the feelings beneath the words.   We especially don’t slow ourselves down enough to hold our opinions in check and really hear what the other person is trying to communicate. 

 I was particularly struck with how this movie-long argument began and how it might have been avoided.  In couples, I don’t think any one person is to blame.   I see couples as part of a system, yet just looking at the movie’s beginning scene, I suspect if Celine had simply been able to empathize with Jesse’s sense of sadness things would have gone differently.  Jesse was separating from his son, Hank, who only visits in the summer, and he was feeling the loss.  

Separation is hard for everyone and Hank is someone Jesse cares about deeply.  Sometimes, as it is in this case, the disconnection is especially difficult.   Jesse not only feels the sadness, but it’s accompanied by the sense that he hasn’t spent enough time with his son.    He worries that as Hank gets older he might be needed more, and that he won’t be around to do the things dad’s are supposed to do with their sons.   

I wish Celine could have reacted differently to Jesse’s sense of distress.  I just wanted her to let him have his sadness and regret without her being triggered to say or do anything.  Sometimes we’re called upon to just listen and be empathetic.   All of us know times when we wish we had been available to someone whom we love, and weren’t.  We don’t want to let down people we love.  It’s what Jesse was feeling and trying to express when he came up with the option of moving to America to be close to Hank. 

 

That obviously elicited fear in Celine.  If I had been sitting with them, I would have asked Celine to hold her concerns for a moment and just let Jesse talk about this idea.  I know this would have been hard for her.   It is hard to be quiet when you feel something so strongly, like how this suggested move might change her whole life.   But if Celine could have been less reactive she might not have gone to the extreme of predicting the end of the relationship.   She has some past history to guide her.   She’s seen Jesse in this emotional space before.   She, in fact, comments on it.    At one level she knows he is still processing his feelings of loss and powerlessness.    We don’t know where things might have gotten if Jesse could have fully discussed everything he was feeling.   Maybe he would have needed to talk more of possible solutions or maybe if he had felt permission to just be sad for a while, the feelings would have  dissipated on their own.   Then maybe Celine might have been able to take a turn and talk about her relationship with Hank, and how it was hard at first and how that’s changed:  how they’ve become closer and it’s a loss for her as well.  She and Jesse could have shared this feeling.   And then she could have shared how threatening the idea of moving felt for her and how it jeopardized their original agreement to live in Paris.   A calmer more productive discussion could have occurred.  Unfortunately, everything got derailed as soon as Celine’s fear took hold and she was no longer able to see how Jesse was caught in his feelings.   She saw it briefly, but as soon as she lost sight of this and her own fear took hold we’re in an endless loop of argument- counter argument; threat-counter threat--in other words, we’re lost.  

It is Jesse and Celine’s inherent caring and commitment to one another, as well as their wonderful playfulness, that save the day.  Being able to have fun, to be goofy and use humor to defuse tense situations allow them to come back together.    Even through their argument are sometimes mean-spirited and harsh, they are still able to repair and recover.   As much as I would have loved them to have avoided arguing, it’s important to note their desire to move back toward one another and to remember that in relationships the ability to repair ruptures is an important skill to cultivate and use.

Emotions After Divorce

This post was originally featured as part of Peggy's guest blogging at Huffington Post Divorce.

Divorce creates challenges for everyone in the family. It involves loss and significant change. It can create uncertainty and stress. At times like this, there is often less emotional flexibility and more emotional reactivity. Anxiety or exaggerated fears should be expected. They're a normal part of managing changes that might not be welcome. Things will be forever changed; giving kids time to talk about what's happening will decrease anxiety and ease their adjustment. As parents it's normal to feel guilt and lost on how to help your children cope, but I've listed out some way that can certainly help ease the big transition. 

Reassure children they are not to blame

Children often worry that divorce might in some way be their fault. Kids are concrete thinkers and they can imagine specific misbehaviors that might have contributed to the divorce: "You left because you got sick of telling me to put away my bike." That kind of distorted thinking is a heavy burden. You'll want to dispel it right away. Children need to know that you are separating as a result of your relationship with your spouse, not your relationship with them. You can say something like: "Nothing you said or did made this happen;" or "You did not make mom/dad go away;" or "This happened because of adult problems between us that have nothing to do with anything you said or did."

Assure them you will not leave them

Children sometimes worry that if one parent can leave, the other one might also leave. All children fear abandonment. They are vulnerable and they know they need parents. Fairy tales are full of all the themes of young children's vulnerability: being kidnapped; being lost and alone; being tricked by a wicked witch; or preyed upon by hungry wolves. The parent-child bond is what offers them security, and keeps their world safe. It is also most needed when changes, like divorce, leave children feeling insecure. While adults might choose to leave a marriage, children cannot choose to not be attached--it's a biological imperative. When I worked in foster care it always amazed me what tenacious loyalty children had to even the most abusive and neglectful parents. So, reassure them that both their parents are committed to taking care of them.

Reaffirm their Specialness

Another way to support children and allay anxiety is to reinforce their importance to you. Children know when parents are emotionally unavailable, which might cause them to worry about whether they're really all that important to you. So being fully present and sharing why you think they're special can reinforce their sense of worthiness. Make a point to comment on the things you truly find special about them: "You give the best hugs;" "You take such good care of Fluffy;" or "You know how to be a really a good friend." Hearing positive traits is not only affirming, but also can reassure them that they are special to you and that you know exactly what makes them unique.

Expect Unpredictable Behavior

Children can exhibit anxious behavior in a number of different ways. One common way is by reverting back to younger forms of behavior. For example, you might find your child having trouble getting to sleep, being clingier or less able to be alone with the babysitter. Anxiety will also be expressed by less consistent behavior. A child you could rely on to be well- behaved might instead be rude or aggressive. Or an outgoing child might become reserved and aloof. For all of us, stress alters our normal behavior. With your patience, and without making them feel guilty, these behaviors will resolve. Anxiety might also cause children to express their concerns in extreme ways and anticipate the worst outcomes: "I'll never be happy again;" "You'll move away and I'll never see you again." Resist the temptation to immediately correct their exaggerations. Later, after all the feelings are expressed, they will be better able to hear a more realistic perspective and to engage in problem solving.

Be A Detective

Sometimes children won't be able to name what they're feeling. They might feel confused or have more than one feeling at a time. When you detect an unexpressed feeling you might need to express it for them: "You don't look happy about being here tonight. I think you're mad that you weren't allowed to stay with your Dad. "Or, "I wonder if you're trying to be brave, but you're feeling kind of scared about sleeping in your new room."

Check to see that your children are feeling comfortable talking with you about their feelings. Children are keen observers so they might hesitate to share their feelings if they believe they're adding more stress to your life. You can reassure them that even when you're preoccupied they're still a priority in your life and you'll always want to know how they feel.

Being present and attentive to your children's emotions and mood will go a long way towards helping them move through the transitions that divorce brings. It's important to remember that children often have had little choice about what's happening to them, so helping them to understand what emotions they are feeling is imperative. They may feel hopeless about events, and will have reactions and feelings that they need to express. By encouraging the sharing of their feelings you can help them move with more resilience through a difficult time.

Lego Faces Get Angrier

The classic smiley faces of Lego figures are being increasingly replaced with more angry faces. Dr Christoph Bartneck, a robot expert at the University of Canterbury in NewZealand studied 3,655 figures produced between 1975 and 2010.  He concluded that the company was increasingly creating more themes based on conflict.  

  

On one hand, I’m pleased that the new faces represent a greater range of emotions; on the other hand, I’m concerned that this increase in emotional faces is skewed towards negativity.   If there were an equal representation of caring emotions, like compassion, sympathy, and love, I’d welcome the change.  When the increase in emotions is predominately negative, it makes me wonder what impact it will have on kids play.  Will it lead to more scenarios focused on aggression and conflict? 

I’m not opposed to having negative emotions on Lego figures; in fact, I think it could be helpful. Kids need ways to process the anger they feel and the conflicts they observe. My play therapy room has always had aggressive toys. When kids need to discharge angry feelings they regularly play with guns, swords, a punching bag or dart board.

Adults can talk out things that bother them, but children act out their angry feelings through play. They engage in imaginary games with themes of good and evil. How these games are played out has a lot to do with the society children grow up in. They model what they’ve been exposed to. Even kids from the most loving households, see that the larger society’s take on anger is most often represented as out of control aggression. Movies and games are full of this violent, hurtful behavior. We simply don’t have models for anger that represent healthy assertiveness. Assertiveness is standing your ground in a respectful way. It’s not wimpy; it’s just not with the intent of destroying someone else.

 

How about a new Lego character named Master Negotiator. He’s the embodiment of healthy assertiveness and fairness. Though he is strong and powerful, his status is derived by never creating an enemy. He is known for his uncanny skill at seeing both sides. He looks for common ground and is never undone by criticism. He easily admits when he’s wrong and always apologizes. His focus and determination are unmatched in finding creative and novel solutions. Wow!  That would be a hero I could get behind!

Wouldn’t we want kids to emulate Master Negotiator? To think that creative solutions rather than revenge and retribution were the right skills to cultivate? Ah, fantasy. Do I wish we were this focused on creating superior interpersonal skills? That we were emotionally intelligent and able to manage our angry impulses to find win/win outcomes? Of course I do-- it’s less showy than violence and destruction. But, in reality it probably won’t sell many movies, even though it’s much harder and requires more intellectual and emotional control than out of control aggression.  

Oh well, one can dream.

The Whole Brain Child, An Exciting New Book

Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Dryson’s new book, The Whole Brain Child, is a resource you won’t want to be without. It’s crammed full of information and helpful explanations of children’s behavior based on how their brains work. The book is reader friendly and translates complex neuroscience into clear understandable language. The authors explain how children’s brains are different from fully mature brains, and how understanding the difference can help adults have more realistic expectations of children and develop  more effective interventions. 

To begin, they explain how the two hemispheres of the brain work. These two sides are not only anatomically separate but they also function in very different ways.  The right hemisphere is intuitive and emotional, while the left hemisphere is logical and literal. The reason being is the importantance to understand these distinctions as young children are right hemisphere dominate, especially during the first three years. Emotions rule and they live in the moment. They’re unable to use logic and words to express their feelings.  It’s up to us to help them by listening to them with our own right brain.   When we first hear their emotions they will then be receptive to reason and logic.

 

This, of course, is not true just for children. Think of the last time you were in the throes of a strong emotion and someone was trying to get you to be logical. I bet you didn’t find it helpful. When we’re very emotional we literally have difficulty processing information.  Our system need to calm down first. An interesting research study illustrated this point. Subjects in the study were asked to look at pictures of angry and frightened faces. Exposure to the pictures increased blood flow to the fear centers in their brains.   But when the subjects were asked to name the emotion on the faces, the fear centers calmed down with decreased blood flow to that area. In addition, blood flow increased in the right prefrontal cortex, a part of the brain that helps us in regulating our emotions. Based on this research, we may conclude that just naming the emotion helps us calm down.

We may fear that addressing children’s emotional response to situations and naming what you think they’re feeling will make things worse. In fact, as this study showed, this will actually calm things down rather than stir them up.   I think in our rush to help children calm down, we sometimes ignore or diminish how they are truly feeling.  After we’ve helped them manage their emotions, we can help them access the logical part of their brain and in the process connect the emotional part with the logical part.   We can then ask questions, consider what prompted the upset, help them see another’s point of view, and problem solve for new solutions.  This integration of both parts helps us make good decisions and function at our best.

Another area of our brain where separate parts need to be integrated is what the authors call the upstairs and downstairs brain.  The downstairs brain is our more primitive brain, which is intact at birth.   Our upstairs brain is our reasoning brain; it is the upstairs brain that helps modulate our downstairs brain when we’re totally overloaded and lose it.   Similar to the contrast between the right and left hemisphere, the downstairs brain, like our emotional right brain, can call the shots.   In both cases we want the two parts to work in harmony.  We want to be aware of our needs, impulses, and desires, but we also want some modulation so we make good choices and don’t later regret our actions.  The book gives good explanations and cartoon vignettes that illustrate the way the two areas of the brain work best together. 

There is also a discussion of tantrums, which is a hard problem for parents to deal with.  The authors give clear guidelines about how to distinguish between an upstairs tantrum and a downstairs tantrum.   The upstairs tantrum is a calculated bid for getting our way, and requires limit setting and consequences.   The downstairs tantrum is a real meltdown and a temporary inability to manage ourselves.   This tantrum needs your adult help and support.

A section about preventing trauma explains how fearful memories are laid down and how to prevent future problems relating to them.  They explain the importance of remembering upsetting things rather than burying them and keeping them out of our awareness.   Rather, they suggest that if we remember the fears, we give our brain a chance to learn and grow.   If we avoid those problems, we risk experiencing the trauma over and over.  This is especially important to me, since I see so many clients who have hidden upsetting experiences that still affect them.   Too often we’ve been told to just forget upsetting things.   The Whole Brain Child gives scientific explanations of why ignoring fears and trauma isn’t always the best policy.    There are some very helpful, concrete examples of how to help kids work through, and not avoid, disturbing incidents.

The book points out the critical role adults play in helping children learn to integrate the different parts of the brain.   We can help children regulate the downstairs brain by using their upstairs brains, and to help them use their logical left hemisphere to temper the emotional right hemisphere.  Learning to use the whole brain wisely will ensure their best chance for intellectual and emotionally healthy development.   

This book is important reading for anyone who lives or works with children.   I recommend it highly.

Coupled Emotions

When I wrote, Yell and Shout, Cry and Pout: A Kid’s Guide to Feelings, which describes our eight basic emotions, I searched for a way to help kids remember them more easily.   My solution was to group two emotions together based on how they affected our nervous system.

The first group of emotions I put together was Anger and Fear.   I labeled them as emotions that make us TENSE AND TIGHT.   Anger and Fear both pump up our nervous system.   They energize us for fight or flight.    Anger needs this increased arousal for potential protective maneuvers.    Fear needs this as well to keeps us edgy so we notice everything and assess threats to our survival.

The second group of emotions I paired was Shame and Sadness.   I labeled them as emotions that make you SAGGY and SLOW.   These emotions represent a decrease in our arousal level and cause a temporary dip in energy.  We are slowed down and loose enthusiasm for things that once pleased us.    Shame makes us introspective and question ourselves.    Sadness is our reaction to a loss or rejection; we withdraw to reflect and remember.  

The next grouping is Happiness and Love.   I labeled them as emotions that make you LOOSE and LIGHT.   These are emotions that put us in a state of harmony where our body is relaxed and at ease.   Things are working smoothly and we feel open and receptive.   Happiness is a place of pleasure.  It makes us cooperative and easy to be with.   Love allows us to be intimate with others, to share ourselves and be caring and kind.  

The last grouping is Disgust and Surprise.  These are the emotions that make us UNEASE and QUEASY.  Both these emotion cause immediate physical reactions; compelling us to react.   Surprise is like an alarm that demands our attention.  It stops us in our tracks so we can pay attention and assess what’s happening.  Disgust is our automatic reaction to anything that seems noxious.   We withdraw and try to avoid whatever smell, taste or touch might be tainted or unhealthy.

For more information on emotions and how to help children understand and express their emotions, visit my blog.