Emotions After Divorce

This post was originally featured as part of Peggy's guest blogging at Huffington Post Divorce.

Divorce creates challenges for everyone in the family. It involves loss and significant change. It can create uncertainty and stress. At times like this, there is often less emotional flexibility and more emotional reactivity. Anxiety or exaggerated fears should be expected. They're a normal part of managing changes that might not be welcome. Things will be forever changed; giving kids time to talk about what's happening will decrease anxiety and ease their adjustment. As parents it's normal to feel guilt and lost on how to help your children cope, but I've listed out some way that can certainly help ease the big transition. 

Reassure children they are not to blame

Children often worry that divorce might in some way be their fault. Kids are concrete thinkers and they can imagine specific misbehaviors that might have contributed to the divorce: "You left because you got sick of telling me to put away my bike." That kind of distorted thinking is a heavy burden. You'll want to dispel it right away. Children need to know that you are separating as a result of your relationship with your spouse, not your relationship with them. You can say something like: "Nothing you said or did made this happen;" or "You did not make mom/dad go away;" or "This happened because of adult problems between us that have nothing to do with anything you said or did."

Assure them you will not leave them

Children sometimes worry that if one parent can leave, the other one might also leave. All children fear abandonment. They are vulnerable and they know they need parents. Fairy tales are full of all the themes of young children's vulnerability: being kidnapped; being lost and alone; being tricked by a wicked witch; or preyed upon by hungry wolves. The parent-child bond is what offers them security, and keeps their world safe. It is also most needed when changes, like divorce, leave children feeling insecure. While adults might choose to leave a marriage, children cannot choose to not be attached--it's a biological imperative. When I worked in foster care it always amazed me what tenacious loyalty children had to even the most abusive and neglectful parents. So, reassure them that both their parents are committed to taking care of them.

Reaffirm their Specialness

Another way to support children and allay anxiety is to reinforce their importance to you. Children know when parents are emotionally unavailable, which might cause them to worry about whether they're really all that important to you. So being fully present and sharing why you think they're special can reinforce their sense of worthiness. Make a point to comment on the things you truly find special about them: "You give the best hugs;" "You take such good care of Fluffy;" or "You know how to be a really a good friend." Hearing positive traits is not only affirming, but also can reassure them that they are special to you and that you know exactly what makes them unique.

Expect Unpredictable Behavior

Children can exhibit anxious behavior in a number of different ways. One common way is by reverting back to younger forms of behavior. For example, you might find your child having trouble getting to sleep, being clingier or less able to be alone with the babysitter. Anxiety will also be expressed by less consistent behavior. A child you could rely on to be well- behaved might instead be rude or aggressive. Or an outgoing child might become reserved and aloof. For all of us, stress alters our normal behavior. With your patience, and without making them feel guilty, these behaviors will resolve. Anxiety might also cause children to express their concerns in extreme ways and anticipate the worst outcomes: "I'll never be happy again;" "You'll move away and I'll never see you again." Resist the temptation to immediately correct their exaggerations. Later, after all the feelings are expressed, they will be better able to hear a more realistic perspective and to engage in problem solving.

Be A Detective

Sometimes children won't be able to name what they're feeling. They might feel confused or have more than one feeling at a time. When you detect an unexpressed feeling you might need to express it for them: "You don't look happy about being here tonight. I think you're mad that you weren't allowed to stay with your Dad. "Or, "I wonder if you're trying to be brave, but you're feeling kind of scared about sleeping in your new room."

Check to see that your children are feeling comfortable talking with you about their feelings. Children are keen observers so they might hesitate to share their feelings if they believe they're adding more stress to your life. You can reassure them that even when you're preoccupied they're still a priority in your life and you'll always want to know how they feel.

Being present and attentive to your children's emotions and mood will go a long way towards helping them move through the transitions that divorce brings. It's important to remember that children often have had little choice about what's happening to them, so helping them to understand what emotions they are feeling is imperative. They may feel hopeless about events, and will have reactions and feelings that they need to express. By encouraging the sharing of their feelings you can help them move with more resilience through a difficult time.

The Whole Brain Child, An Exciting New Book

Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Dryson’s new book, The Whole Brain Child, is a resource you won’t want to be without. It’s crammed full of information and helpful explanations of children’s behavior based on how their brains work. The book is reader friendly and translates complex neuroscience into clear understandable language. The authors explain how children’s brains are different from fully mature brains, and how understanding the difference can help adults have more realistic expectations of children and develop  more effective interventions. 

To begin, they explain how the two hemispheres of the brain work. These two sides are not only anatomically separate but they also function in very different ways.  The right hemisphere is intuitive and emotional, while the left hemisphere is logical and literal. The reason being is the importantance to understand these distinctions as young children are right hemisphere dominate, especially during the first three years. Emotions rule and they live in the moment. They’re unable to use logic and words to express their feelings.  It’s up to us to help them by listening to them with our own right brain.   When we first hear their emotions they will then be receptive to reason and logic.

 

This, of course, is not true just for children. Think of the last time you were in the throes of a strong emotion and someone was trying to get you to be logical. I bet you didn’t find it helpful. When we’re very emotional we literally have difficulty processing information.  Our system need to calm down first. An interesting research study illustrated this point. Subjects in the study were asked to look at pictures of angry and frightened faces. Exposure to the pictures increased blood flow to the fear centers in their brains.   But when the subjects were asked to name the emotion on the faces, the fear centers calmed down with decreased blood flow to that area. In addition, blood flow increased in the right prefrontal cortex, a part of the brain that helps us in regulating our emotions. Based on this research, we may conclude that just naming the emotion helps us calm down.

We may fear that addressing children’s emotional response to situations and naming what you think they’re feeling will make things worse. In fact, as this study showed, this will actually calm things down rather than stir them up.   I think in our rush to help children calm down, we sometimes ignore or diminish how they are truly feeling.  After we’ve helped them manage their emotions, we can help them access the logical part of their brain and in the process connect the emotional part with the logical part.   We can then ask questions, consider what prompted the upset, help them see another’s point of view, and problem solve for new solutions.  This integration of both parts helps us make good decisions and function at our best.

Another area of our brain where separate parts need to be integrated is what the authors call the upstairs and downstairs brain.  The downstairs brain is our more primitive brain, which is intact at birth.   Our upstairs brain is our reasoning brain; it is the upstairs brain that helps modulate our downstairs brain when we’re totally overloaded and lose it.   Similar to the contrast between the right and left hemisphere, the downstairs brain, like our emotional right brain, can call the shots.   In both cases we want the two parts to work in harmony.  We want to be aware of our needs, impulses, and desires, but we also want some modulation so we make good choices and don’t later regret our actions.  The book gives good explanations and cartoon vignettes that illustrate the way the two areas of the brain work best together. 

There is also a discussion of tantrums, which is a hard problem for parents to deal with.  The authors give clear guidelines about how to distinguish between an upstairs tantrum and a downstairs tantrum.   The upstairs tantrum is a calculated bid for getting our way, and requires limit setting and consequences.   The downstairs tantrum is a real meltdown and a temporary inability to manage ourselves.   This tantrum needs your adult help and support.

A section about preventing trauma explains how fearful memories are laid down and how to prevent future problems relating to them.  They explain the importance of remembering upsetting things rather than burying them and keeping them out of our awareness.   Rather, they suggest that if we remember the fears, we give our brain a chance to learn and grow.   If we avoid those problems, we risk experiencing the trauma over and over.  This is especially important to me, since I see so many clients who have hidden upsetting experiences that still affect them.   Too often we’ve been told to just forget upsetting things.   The Whole Brain Child gives scientific explanations of why ignoring fears and trauma isn’t always the best policy.    There are some very helpful, concrete examples of how to help kids work through, and not avoid, disturbing incidents.

The book points out the critical role adults play in helping children learn to integrate the different parts of the brain.   We can help children regulate the downstairs brain by using their upstairs brains, and to help them use their logical left hemisphere to temper the emotional right hemisphere.  Learning to use the whole brain wisely will ensure their best chance for intellectual and emotionally healthy development.   

This book is important reading for anyone who lives or works with children.   I recommend it highly.