Increase Your Child’s Self Esteem by Telling Family Stories

I just finished a fascinating article that looked at the impact of tellingfamily stories. It turns out that kids that know a lot about their families do better when they face challenges.  Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivsush asked kids questions like:  Do you know where your parents met? Do you know something really terrible that happened in your family?  Do you know the story of your birth?  They administered their questionnaire, “Do You Know?”, to four dozen families and compared the answers to the psychological tests the kids had taken earlier.  Their conclusion was that the more kids knew about their family’s history the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their family functioned. 

While having a strong family narrative is valuable, it’s the particular type of narrative that best predicts to family cohesion and consequently to children’s resilience.  There are three types of family narratives.   One is an “ascendance narrative,” in which the family does well.   The theme of the story is the rags to riches story.   The second is a “descending narrative,” in which trouble and travail beset the family that never seems to get ahead.   The third narrative is an “oscillating narrative.”  In it the family sometimes suffers setbacks and sometimes achieves triumphs, but, most importantly, the family sticks together through it all.   Dr. Duke speculates that children with this narrative develop what he calls a strong “intergenerational self.”   I think it reflects the comfort we all feel in knowing we are part of something bigger than ourselves, that we belong to a family that has traditions and survival skills that help manage life’s struggles.

 My guess is that children who hear “oscillating narratives” also develop a more realistic understanding of life’s ups and down.   Facing setbacks might be easier for them.   Perhaps they are better equipped to see failure as a temporary state that can be overcome.    And so those experiences of setbacks become lessons of courage. I’m reminded of Joseph Campbell’s study of myth and his writing about the journey of the hero. The hero is never consistently successful in his quest.   Often he has serious obstacles to overcome and almost always there are times of self doubt, as well as, the need to seek advice from others.   Perhaps this is the message that comes across in “oscillating narratives.” 

 It’s reassuring to know that stories of difficult times are as important to include in family history as success stories.    Given this new research you might want to think about what family themes you want to emphasize and share with your children.  Elaborate your stories to demonstrate how family members helped one another.  Make it interactive and ask your children what they would have done in a similar situation.   Talk about the fun celebrations as well as sad occasions.    Create a family story album with pictures to accompany the stories. 

 

For more information on helping your child express their emotions, you can pick up a copy of my new book, Yell and Shout, Cry and Pout: A Kid’s Guide to Feelings, available now!

Guest Blog-Parents and Apologies, By Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPPC.

I’m really pleased to announce my guest blogger, Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPPC of Sixty Second Parent.  Ellen’s blog, “Parents and Apologies,” helps us understand why it’s important to apologize to our children when we’ve been wrong, overreacted or have been unreasonable.   Sometimes we hesitate because we don’t want to weaken our authority.  Or perhaps, we’re ashamed and don’t want to admit it.   Or maybe we believe that it will be forgotten and we won’t have to do anything.  But whatever the reason for our hesitation, we need to think twice about not apologizing.   I believe not owning up to our mistakes makes things worse, not better.  Can’t we all remember childhood hurts that still feel vivid?  They stick with us because they angered us and seemed unfair.   What was needed in those situations is exactly what Ellen talks about, sincere apology and restoring trust in the parent-child relationship.

Parents and Apologies

It is a special strength of a self-confident parent to admit mistakes, and the acknowledgment of occasional shortcomings affirms our humanity to our children.  Genuinely admitting our lack of perfection allows our children to understand that the standard for proper behavior is not error-free living, but rather learning to live responsibly in community with others.  Many people will use the term “sorry” loosely; but when you are wrong or have wronged another, genuinely saying “I’m sorry” is hard work.  Parents are the most important role models for their children.  Consequently, admitting mistakes and apologizing are behaviors that need to be modeled. 

We are not perfect!!!  It is OK to be human.  We were not meant to be perfect; and if we appear to be perfect to our children, we instill in them a tremendous pressure to strive for an unreasonable and impossible standard.  Alternatively, when we insist that we are right, and our children know that we are not, we lose trust and respect.  Apologizing for mistakes teaches our children to accept responsibility for their behaviors and to seek reconciliation.  Power struggles within families can often be defused with a genuine apology.

When apologizing to your children:

·          Be genuine.  The most important thing about apologies is the genuineness by which they are given.

·          Don’t use apologies to make your point.  “I was wrong, BUT …” is no apology. 

·          Connect emotionally.  Apologies give us the opportunity to connect with the other person on an emotional level and therefore must be given in the right context.  If you are feeling angry or hurt, wait until you can be tuned into your kids and open to their feelings.

·          Communicate your words in an appropriate manner.  The words used are not as important as the way in which they are stated.  The words themselves can be as simple as “I’m sorry, I was wrong”.  I tell my kids that I am not a perfect parent; nevertheless I am the parent God chose for them, and I will try to do my best for them.

·         Value the relationship.  It is part of our relationship as family to admit our wrongs, just as we celebrate with each other our gifts and successes.

Remember that our forgiveness in response to our child’s apology, the other side of this “coin”, is an equally important behavior to model to our children.

By Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPC for www.sixtysecondparent.com - Ellen is a registered nurse as well as a licensed and national board certified counselor. She has a private practice that serves children ages 2 to 18 and has over 18 years of experience counseling children and educating parents.

Boston Bombs and Fear

I saw the story flashing on TV when I was rushing into a store the other day to pick something up.    My quick glimpse of the TV told me that something bad had happened, but I didn’t want to stop and learn more.  I wanted to get my errands done and I certainly didn’t want to deal a world change like the one on 9/11.   I was conscious of the fact that I was choosing not to see, that my response was avoidance.  I didn’t want to know that something else had happened to make my world feel less safe. 

It took me a long time to recover from 9/11.  I, like many, initially felt shock and disbelief. My anxiety, sense of vulnerability and obsessive news watching seemed normal under the extraordinary circumstances. Yet, somewhere which in me, I also sensed my reaction was too intense.  My sense of dread and restless hyper-vigilance seemed extreme. The trauma associated with 9/11, which was horrific in and of itself, left me feeling more fragile because it awakened an older trauma, the fearful feelings that characterized my early childhood.   I grew up in a very anxious household and saw behaviors and heard beliefs that characterized the world as a dangerous place.   So 9/11 awakened that old dread which had been lying dormant;   just the right triggers, the twin towers, crashing in fire and smoke to the street below, brought my dread to life.

And so it is that we can all have our unresolved traumas of the past be triggered by the present horror.  Luckily, as a practitioner of EMDR, I was able to work through my unexpected reactions to 9/11.   I knew that getting help from a colleague who also did EMDR, would help me put to rest some of those fearful reactions I had had to the 9/11 tragedy. As I finally sat down to look at the news of the injury and destruction in Boston, I was relieved to know that I had not gone back to that hyper-vigilant state.   I could feel appropriately distressed, saddened, and fearful but not stuck reliving a part of my past history.   The past can overlay the present and confuse our sense of reality, as it had done to me when I experienced 9/11. 

Viewing the news of the Boston bombings, has made me realize once again how children, too, can have fearful experiences from the past be triggered by a current event, or even by something they see or read in a book. Often, children’s fairy tales cause them to take in examples of evil intent.  In the safety of imagination we can help them begin to deal with this.

We can begin by acknowledging that as there are wicked witches, predatory wolves and folks who trick young children in fairy tales, there are similar people and events in real life that are scary to children.  When children have scary experiences in these situations, it is helpful to encourage them to talk about them.  We can’t shelter them from these experiences.  But neither do we want to overwhelm them with our attempts at helping them.  Getting the right balance is important.

 It is best to control, with discretion, what children hear and see of frightening events.  Again, balance is the key here.  Both what they are exposed to, and the magnitude of their exposure, are important.   Our media, trying to fill up time, repeats in endless loops tragic news and horrific disasters.  Children don’t’ need to be continually exposed to these images.     Nor do they need to hear all the details pertaining to the event.   They don’t need to know about how bombs are made or what’s in them.   They don’t need to suddenly fear backpacks or be nervous about running a race.  Yet, if they do show signs of fear or anxiety resulting from inappropriate exposure, it’s important to sit them down and hear what they feel and what they’ve heard and make corrections or reassure them.

Above all, it’s important to help them to express their own sense of fear or vulnerability.   Fear is an uncomfortable but essential emotion.   It warns us when we’re in danger; when our emotional or physical well being is in jeopardy.   So, it’s important to listen to children when something in a news story makes them fearful.  Let them talk about whatever they’ve become anxious about even if it seems senseless to you.   Children lack our knowledge of the world and they are not cognitively sophisticated enough to take the long view or keep thing in perspective.   Young kids, especially, are concrete, here and now thinkers.  So take their concerns seriously.   When you encourage kids to talk, it helps make the fear less intense.   Hidden fears just grow and magnify. Children can fall into puzzling behaviors that don’t seem to make sense to us.   They might become avoidant, no longer enjoying activities that were previously fun.   Taking the time to listen and reassure can help regulate children and reduce fearful behavior.

Kids also can benefit from knowing specifics: for example, what the authorities are doing to figure out what happened. We might explain how this knowledge can help us know how to avoid a dangerous situation in the future. In this process, we should be realistic and acknowledge that bad things do happen. And that sometimes people act in ways in order to hurt others. And as we begin to teach children about real dangers, we need to help them learn perspective, but also that goodness and cooperation exist as well.

So with the Boston bombing, it’s helpful to tell children about the generous help that arrived quickly. Tell them about the emergency services that went in right away to pull people to safety or get them to medical care. Horrendous acts undermine our sense of safety, especially that of children, in major part because these acts are usual and unexpected, and not the rule. Helping children with this perspective can reassure them. As can telling them about the many acts of bravery and cooperation that happened in the face of danger, including those that occurred right after the bombing. Talk about courage in general. Make up stories about what you would have done or what some favorite action hero would have done. And you can also ask your child what they may have liked to have done if they could have had been there with all the power and resources they needed.     

I've listed of couple of trauma resources below. 

Coping with Disaster Resources · Explosions  (section on After an Explosion) · Coping with Disaster · Managing traumatic stress: Tips for recovering from disaster and other traumatic events                · Taking Care of Your Emotional Health After a Disaster · Recovering Emotionally · Helping Children Cope with Disaster             · Disaster Distress Helpline (24/7 phone and text) · Building Your Resilience

What’s A Woman to Do?

I’m interested in all the press surrounding the release of Sheryl Sandberg’s new book Lean In.  She’s a high profile woman and that makes her voice important. 

I certainly agree with her concern about not having enough women in leadership roles.   It’s true that the number of top women leaders in many fields remains low.  I, too, wish that there were more women in important positions and that the impact of more women could lead to a change in the power structure of the world.    

I also support her idea of reviving consciousness groups.  She calls them” Lean In” circles and I’m for anything that encourages women to speak out and build their confidence.   I’ve had the privilege of being in a women’s group for over 15 years.   It’s been an enormously important part of my life.   It’s been a place of safety and support, and has helped me examine myself and notice places where I hold back and don’t assert myself.   So I agree that it’s important for women to examine whatever internal stops get in the way of their advancement.  Maureen Corrigan, in a review article of Sandberg’s book says, "Lean In is worth reading because, even though many of its observations about internalized sexism may be old hat to us older feminists, they're, sadly, still true. Women do denigrate themselves to be liked; they phrase assertions like questions and politely raise their hands while men grab the floor. I see it all the time in my classrooms; I still see that behavior in myself.”


So yes, women can make changes by looking inward.   But I feel that looking outward is just as important.   Society creates images of women that are either tender loving saints or aggressive controlling bitches.   Realist images of women with dimensionality are not so common.   Aninteresting article by Heather Havrilesky examined female characters on popular TV dramas.  She found that being portrayed as smart and competent carried a price.  Exceptionalism for women cames with the disqualifying characteristic of being crazy.  Here’s what she said: “Many smart and confident female characters have paraded onto the small screen over the past few years. But I’m bothered by one persistent caveat: that the more astute and capable many of  these women are, the more likely it is that they’re also completely nuts.  I don’t mean complicated, difficult, thorny or complex. I mean that these women are portrayed as volcanoes that could blow at any minute. Worse, the very abilities and skills that make them singular and interesting come coupled with some hideous psychic deficiency."


So, plain old being smart and competent doesn’t seem to be an acceptable way to portray women.  I suspect it’s too challenging to the dominate male hierarchy.  Perhaps, as Sandberg hopes, having more women in leadership positions would begin to change negative stereotypes and allow us to accept women’s competence without demeaning characteristics.   I applaud her commitment and energy towards this happening.
 
I think though, that the greatest impediment to women’s achievement is the lack of infrastructure that could support this.  While it’s lovely to think of sharing responsibilities with a spouse, most jobs simply don’t allow adequate family leave, flex hours or decent benefits and wages to make this a practical option for many couples.

After my first child was born, my husband and I were committed to sharing childcare and work.   Unfortunately, when he wanted to cut back his hours to do his share, he encountered resistance and was questioned about his commitment to his career.  Unfortunately, we do not have sufficient family friendly practices in the business realm, nor do we truly value caregivers.   Little seems to have changed since we tried it many years ago.  That’s sad because good childcare is so important.  We know that helping children feel securely attached, which requires attention and presence, predicts to well being and success in the future.   Children’s need for this connection is paramount.  Allowing parents the social supports to provide this attention would allow us all to make a positive social commitment to the emotional health of the next generation.  It would also allow both parents to continue in their careers and move towards leadership positions if they chose.