The Difficulty in Listening to Ourselves

The alarm sounded, and I punched snooze. It sounded again, and again, I punched snooze. This was the morning for my art class, and I was struggling about whether to go. I had signed up hoping to see if I might learn to draw, but the class was a formal introduction to the fundamentals of drawing. It wasn’t the fun I had envisioned. It had been instructive though, and drawing was much harder than I thought. I was learning about proportion, perspective, the subtly of shading, and the bending of direct reality to appear more realistic. Fascinating new ideas had been shared and a greater understanding of an artist's craft had emerged. All this new knowledge would certainly make me a more discriminating viewer, but it wasn’t why I had signed up. I signed up because I sensed the need for more play and fun in my life.

Image Credit: Personal Excellence

So, as I woke up this morning, it was the ambivalence of whether to attend that popped up. I was aware that I wasn’t excited nor inclined to go. Yet, doubt and evaluative thoughts crept in to counter that decision. After all, I had paid for this class, so wasn’t it a waste not go? Certainly there was more information to learn, and I’d miss not getting more instruction. And shouldn’t one stick to what one set out to do? Nonetheless, it was hard to fool myself because on a scale of 1-10, I was hardly even at a 2.   

So, why was I even struggling? Why were these admonishments cajoling me into attendance? It seemed obvious that I didn’t really feel committed and didn’t want to go. Yet, I kept observing how strongly a part of me, that thinking part of my brain, was trying to outfox the feeling part. A lot of effort was going on, just to keep me out of touch with my deeper desire. How easy it is to walk away from that feeling part and do the practical thing. So how do we counter act this? How do we give equal weight to the things we genuinely want to do, rather than the things we think we should do? 

Of course, this decision to go or not go to an art class, is trivial, but it represents the effort required to stay true to our deepest desires and to make space for them. It’s important to say no to the things that are not giving us pleasure. The daily obligations of living: returning that phone call, balancing the check book, picking up the laundry. These things will always be there, but how do we not let those responsibilities take over and block out the things that give us genuine pleasure?

So, I paused and asked myself, "What decision would bring me the most pleasure?" It came with ease. I had always known, but had trouble listening. When I made the decision, I felt a freedom. A space opened up for a new choice. I could go for a walk or spend time on that writing project I was eager to start. I chose to make tea and start the writing project, and I felt content. How often do we deny ourselves these simple choices that can make us happy? I think we fear that we’ll become slothful, indulgent and become irresponsible. Yet, I find the opposite to be true. When I honor my needs, and act on them, I’m more energetic and less resentful of the time needed to do the less pleasant things throughout the day. When you make a conscious decision to nurture yourself, you’re staying true to your feelings. When you listen to your heart, your heart will always make you a priority.

Why It's Important For Men To Show Emotions

“Our emotions need to be as educated as our intellect. It is important to know how to feel, how to respond, and how to let life in so that it can touch you.”  Jim Rohn

Image Credit: The Daily Telegraph

I’ve seen a number of men recently who have unresolved old traumas, but they don’t know it. The male culture of hiding your feelings in order to “man up” have kept those memories out of awareness.    I’m really beginning to dislike that phrase. It’s a disservice for two reasons. 

1. It doesn’t allow men the natural response to upsetting experiences.
2. It labels those who do allow their feelings to emerge (like women) as weak.   

But emotions are not gendered; they are common to all of us. There is no category of weak or strong, good or bad. Feelings just are. They are the product of our human evolution. They help us to quickly read a situation and know what’s happening. They are information. Each feeling has a purpose and guides us in a different way. Learning to understand our feelings helps us meet life’s challenges more successfully.

Without our emotions we can’t properly assess situations. We are only seeing half the picture. It’s as if we’ve chosen to give up one of our senses. No one would willingly give up sight, or hearing, yet we ask men to give up their feelings and make women feel bad for having them. For the men I’ve been seeing, they have to shut down and deny the reality of their experiences, as if closing off one of their senses. It takes energy to suppress feelings and close your heart. It also has consequences. It means being blind to serious pain and loss, having a deep hurt untended. It is only when they can feel and be compassionate with themselves that they can heal. This form of suffering is culturally bound.   Men, from an early age, are socialized to reject feelings. It’s not manly to cry, to be sad, to feel a range of feelings. Men are restricted to anger as the one socially appropriate feeling. Is it a wonder we have so much violence?  

I am grateful to be able to help men see themselves as fully-feeling human beings. To name and acknowledge their traumas, extend kindness towards themselves, and find positive ways to express hidden feelings. We each have a deep need to be known, and expressing our feelings allows us to be appreciated for who we truly are. Also, we usually feel closer to someone who’s shared their feelings with us. Not expressing emotions limits intimacy and creates shallow rather than deep relationships.  

We have to do better with young boys and make space for them to feel without being mocked as weak. It does no one any good to keep emotions hidden. They don’t go away. They create unrelieved stress, psychosomatic symptoms, addiction or simply fester and come out sideways (often in dangerous and uncontrolled ways). We want men and young boys to feel the fullness of their emotions and the comfort of being accepted and understood.   

Taking the Sting Out of Criticism

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Being criticized is hard. It’s hard for everyone. We’ve all experienced those so-called “helpful reminders” and types of harsh criticism that withers our soul-- all implying we’re defective, that we've done something wrong or not lived up to expectations. It doesn’t feel good to sense you’re lacking in character or that you've let someone down. Criticism often tends to disempower us rather than motivate us to change.   

We each have our own unique collection of critical encounters, and they certainly leave a sting. I remember not knowing an answer in Algebra class and with each subsequent question I was asked, being less able to answer. It was humiliating and made me feel thoroughly stupid. It still rankles. Or at home, stating my opinion only to be told I was being sassy, when I thought I had an equally valid point of view. We all have bruises from being criticized in the past; we are primed to be wary when we hear them in the present.

These prior experiences are tucked away in our memory bank and remembered by our fear center, and that fear center goes on alert when it hears negative comments coming our way. These comments are read as potential threats, so our natural protectiveness takes over. The problem is that these aren’t always threats and our strong responses are often an overreaction. This is especially true in personal relationships where there is a mutual caring. 

How do we calm this fear center in our brain, so we can listen respectfully to someone’s legitimate complaint about us?    

The dilemma of staying calm in the face of criticism is something I’ve been struggling with both in my own relationships and in finding ways to talk about it with the couples I see. Criticism can be so explosive that some couples avoid it all together. They have functional, but superficial relationships, without real intimacy.   Aside from this extreme avoidance, I’ve noticed three general reactions to criticism:

1. Counter attack - Before the other person even finishes, there is an aggressive counter response with blaming and resultant arguing. Or, there might be intellectual questioning which is less aggressive, but still an attack on the validity of the criticism.
2. Withdrawal - In this style, there is disengagement and no discussion. There is a despairing belief that no solution is possible, and the response is either an activation of despondence or internal rage.
3. Self- blame - This response prompts a quick withdraw of the original criticism and a sense of self advocacy is lost. It is replaced by negative self-statements or self-doubt. The point of view of the other dominates.  

No matter which pattern emerges, they arise from our early adaptations to perceived threat. When we are in this reactive space, we are unable to be truly present and available for dialogue. Therefore, no true resolution or understanding can take place. We are stuck protecting ourselves and not being open to hearing how someone else has been hurt. 

How do we disrupt these patterns and become open and willing to listen?   

What I have come to realize is that first you have recognized your unique pattern and then pause to disrupt your automatic behavior. So, if you tend to react quickly you have to slow things down, and check the tendency to argue. If you withdraw, you have to stay put, and know that you have the strength to manage disagreements. Or if you agree too quickly, you have to resist that urge, and honor your own perceptions and needs. In each of these situations, you first have to halt the habitual behavior, calm your body and hold your heart. Extend self- compassion in the moment when you feel the twinge of hurt from the criticism. It might go like this:

• I can feel the hurt of that comment, and my desire to act, but I don’t have to agree or defend myself. I can take some deep breaths and let my body calm.
• I can remind myself that 'this is not about me'. S/he is describing his/her experience. His/her unique way of seeing the world based on her experiences, her needs and desires.
• I can remember that I know myself to be a thoughtful person.
• Right now, I can help the situation by listening to his/her hurt. I can be curious about their reality, which is not necessarily my reality.
• I can say:  I’m so sorry__________,   I care about you and don’t want you to suffer. Or: I see you’re mad. It’s hard for me when you’re mad, but I want to be respectful and hear what you have to say.  
• I can know that there will be a time for me to share my own opinion when s/he feels thoroughly understood. Waiting is an act of generosity and commitment to the relationship.
• I can help repair this situation by asking for suggestions about how we might do it differently in the future.

The Magic of EMDR: How Sarah Gained a Newfound Understanding

I’ve been using EMDR for many years now.  An initial skeptic, I’m now a firm believer of its capabilities.  I’ve been impressed by this treatment's effectiveness in uncovering deep wounds and unconscious self-blame time and time again. Often, difficult life experiences or trauma can leave us with an unreasonable sense of responsibility as well as self-doubt. Part of EMDR’s effectiveness is not only in examining those faulty assumptions, but in understanding the body's states and emotions that accompany them. Usually, these are unconscious states with high reactivity and a stuck pattern. EMDR can reduce this reactivity so that new patterns and new self-assessments can occur.

Image Credit: North Boulder Counseling

Recently, I saw Sarah. She was referred after having tried several different treatment approaches. For the last couple of years, she found herself unable to drive to new locations. If she was familiar with a location, she was fine, but panic ensued if it was someplace new. Even thinking about it felt overwhelming. She found herself avoiding activities and making excuses for not attending outings with friends, work get togethers, and invitations to unknown places. Her life was becoming more and more restricted.   

After we did a history, we uncovered several upsetting incidents related to driving. We chose a couple to target. The one I thought would be most traumatic, an angry husband fed up with her fear and purposely driving into oncoming traffic, was not on the top of her list. Instead, it was something that seemed much more innocuous-- getting lost in a subdivision.  It was this experience that held all the energy and caused panic. Most of us know the frustration that comes with getting lost in a labyrinth of winding streets, but for Sarah, it brought on a panic attack: narrowed vision, heart palpitations, shallow breathing, and trembling.

As we prepared the EMDR protocol, I asked Sarah to imagine this scene, being aware of her body and any negative thoughts. The feeling that emerged was “I’m not competent,” as well as shame and anger at herself for not being able to manage a seemingly simple situation. As we continued with the eye movements, something shifted, and a new thought emerged. This can happen, where a more salient thought bubbles up. This new thought was not about her competence, but instead her invisibility. When she called her husband for help, he was annoyed and refused to come to her aid since she couldn’t tell him where she was. It was a replay of earlier childhood experiences where she had been denied help.  

As the oldest of five, she had excessive responsibilities. Her parents were neglectful and put her in charge of her siblings, expected her to make dinners and babysit. On the few occasions she asked for help, she was told she could handle it. So, even though fearful, she stopped asking and developed a belief that her needs were illegitimate. When her husband refused to help her when she was lost, she had the same sense of being invisible. Being denied help when she was distressed and fearful exacerbated a sense of helplessness and self-blame. She needed reassurance and guidance, precisely what was absent in her childhood.

As we continued with more eye movements, her distress began to recede, and at one point, she could see herself upset but not immobile. Instead, she imagined going up and down the streets until she found the right location. At this point in the processing, she imagined a way to proceed and was no longer stuck in frozen fear, but had new energy and confidence.  

While initially not very believable, she settled on, “My needs matter and I can expect help when I need it.” Sarah rarely asked for help. Instead, she was the one who extended help.  If she was distressed, she found ways to distract herself that didn’t involve other people. Yet this new idea of her worthiness to be seen and cared about was gaining strength. After a few more sets of eye movement, her face began to soften and a smile emerged. “It still feels weird, but I like it.” Sarah had had so few life experiences of being able to rely on others, it was hard to believe it was possible. She was pleased by this idea, and could now see the legitimately of her needs and allow for more self-care and reliance on others.  

It’s hard to understand in advance what hidden experiences might impact our current functioning. Sarah herself was surprised that her early experiences of being denied help were behind her current driving aversions. She knew something was off, and had been diligently seeking help, but logically understanding that her fears were unfounded was not making things better. I believe the magic of EMDR comes from being able to tap into the unconscious patterns that stay locked in our nervous system and being able to unlock their power so that more adaptive patterns can emerge. For Sarah, her fear of driving to new locations has all but disappeared.

How Do We Maintain Happiness?

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Just recently, I finished The Book of Joy by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. These two men provide such wonderful wisdom, sharing the same belief that joy or happiness come from within. This is something that few of us cultivate and something that which our materialist society insists can be found externally. The message we receive from our larger culture is that we will be happy when, and if, we have a bigger house, a better job, the right clothes or more money. Yet, these two men maintain that this is not where true happiness resides. It is not about acquiring more things or more money; These are not the sources of happiness. Nor is happiness solely reliant on self-interest. Rather, it is about taking care of yourself, and expanding that care towards others as well. It is about mindful living, emotional resilience and being generous towards others.

The narrator of the book sites a research study that I found very interesting, and in many ways, parallels the thoughts of the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Sonja Lyubomirksy discovered there were ultimately three factors that significantly affect happiness:

1. The ability to reframe our situation more positively

2. The ability to experience gratitude

3. To choose to be kind and generous

Reframing Our Situations Positively

How does one reframe a situation in a more positive manner? The Dalai Lama had to flee his home in Tibet because of Chinese aggression. How has he reframed this experience? It seems that, without minimizing the loss, he realized that in some ways it gave him greater freedom. He had more access to the people, could be less formal, could engage more with other cultures, and could broaden his knowledge and ultimately, expand Buddhism itself.  The Archbishop struggled through apartheid and came out believing that the struggle was worth the freedoms and equality Africans now experience. It gave him the opportunity to speak out, become a leader, and cultivate patience and optimism.They both serve as examples in how to reframe our own difficult experiences. We can each challenge ourselves to find meaning in our experiences, positive and negative. We can ask: What was there to learn and in what ways have we grown? How can our experience frame new ways of being in the future?This happens all the time when I work with clients. We process difficult experiences. Those that can accept their reality and find meaning, can move on. Others who struggle with denial or anger, get mired in negativity. If, without denying the harm done to you, you can also forgive others, you can free up enormous energy, experience more ease and create new opportunities for yourself.  

Gratitude

It is much easier to focus on the negatives in our lives than the positives. We are, in fact, primed to attend to negatives. Our biological imperative is to survive, and we are wired to notice when something is amiss. That’s the job of our fear center, the amygdala, on alert 24/7, constantly checking to see if danger is near + if we’re safe of not.   Of course, we need it, but it does skew things. In response, we have to consciously account for the positive things, so we can balance out the negative appraisals that happen automatically.   This can helps us have a more realistic appraisal of our experiences. I find it helpful to acknowledge the things I’m grateful for first thing in the morning. Or, you might like the morning gratitude prayer of Thich Nhat Hahn which one of my friends often recites. I think making this a routine practice gives us more lightness and genuine appreciation for all the ways our lives harvest ease and privilege.  

Choosing to be Kind and Generous

I think the biggest obstacle to being kind and generous is the tendency to see yourself as a victim. To then feel your anger/unkind gestures are justified because of someone else’s behavior. While people do act in ways that are unthoughtful or unkind, let that be a statement of their character. We can realize it’s not about us, not our faults. We can feel what we feel, because something hurtful has happened, but learn to be thoughtful about our responses. I think it is that, a moment of pause, that allows us to consciously choose to be kind. A long time ago, I read a statement by Dr. Wayne Dyer that has stuck with me: “When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind.” This is something we can all aspire to practice.

Friend ALL Your Feelings

I recently wrote an article for the November/December issue of New Moon Girls Magazine - a great resource for young girls and their parents.

This particular issue is called "The All About Feelings" issue, so I was excited to contribute to this topic. My post is titled "Friend ALL Your Feelings" where I discuss emotions and the importance of recognizing and accepting different feelings. Read the post in its entirety below:

"Every person has emotions—it’s part of being human. We can’t make them go away. We’re born with emotions, just as we emerge with our five senses ready to go. We cherish our ability to see beauty, hear music, smell a rose, taste ice cream, or cuddle a pet. If we lose one of our five senses, we’ll miss out on the information it gives us.

In just the same way, our feelings give us information about the world. Think of emotions like your sixth sense! Here’s an example. Say you’re crossing a street and a car doesn’t seem to be stopping for you. Sight helps you see the car approaching, but it’s fear that makes you jump out of the way. You won’t save yourself by only seeing the car—you need the energy of fear to motivate fast action. 

All our emotions guide us toward action. They send us a message felt in our bodies that will help us best respond to life challenges. All our emotions—including the ones we often want to banish, such as sadness and anger—are actually crucial to our wellbeing.

Knowing your emotions gives you clarity about what’s happening to you. Have you ever listened to a friend who sounds upset and can’t really figure out what’s going on? As you listen, it may seem clear that she’s actually sad. Once you point it out, it’ll make sense, and she’ll likely begin to relax more. Identifying your feelings—and making that process a part of everyday life—will help you make sense of your experiences.

So why aren’t we better at this? I think it’s because we’ve often been taught that emotions are not valuable. They’re seen as disruptive or even bad. Or we’ve had the experience of being dismissed as being “too emotional.” No one wants to be seen as irrational or not taken seriously. Many girls shy away from expressing their emotions because they get criticized for being “over-emotional” or “a drama queen.” Of course, boys get this message, often even more harshly. When they’re expressing normal emotions, they’re told to not “act like a girl.”

   

These shaming statements make it harder for everyone to accept their natural emotions. That’s bad, because feelings are an honest barometer of how things are affecting us. We need our feelings to feel whole and take action that’s appropriate to us.

Remember in the AWESOME movie “Inside Out” (see it if you haven’t yet) how Joy keeps confining Sadness to smaller and smaller spaces? She wants to deny Sadness expression. So these feelings keep building until Sadness is so heavy she collapses and Joy has to drag her around. This is what happens when we deny our emotions. They don’t really go away, so they make us heavy, stuck, or come out in unexpected ways. When Joy realizes how important it was to let sadness be in charge for a while, things moved forward.

Here are some ways to get ALL your feelings working for you.

• Make an inventory of which emotions you might suppress or have learned are “bad.” Do you know someone who handles these emotions well? Let them be a model for you. Observe their behavior and reactions, and think of the small steps you could take to be more like them. You could even talk with them about it.
• Make a list of ways your feelings affect your physical and emotional health. Keeping emotions bottled up almost always gives us bad symptoms. Have you ever been angry at someone (but you deny it to yourself), only to be sarcastic and mean toward them at another time? Hidden feelings often seep out when we least expect it. Remember how Riley in “Inside Out” hid her unhappiness and ends up stealing money from her parents and running away? Avoiding our feelings often ends up making things worse. We can feel anxious, preoccupied, and less in control. Or our hidden feelings can get stuck in our muscles, giving us tight, aching shoulders, jaw, or back. They might reveal itself in stomach problems or headaches. When we hide our emotions, they get lost to us. Instead of identifying them and then being able to problem-solve a solution, we become ill. 
• Keep a daily chart with a list of your primary emotions on it. Put a check mark on the emotions you felt that day. Notice and jot down where you sensed the emotion in your body. Ask yourself what the emotion was trying to tell you. Let’s say you tend to avoid conflict and hide your anger. As you gain awareness of when you’re angry, you can then imagine different ways you might handle it. Or you might want to ask someone you trust what she or he might do. Get support and talk it out. You’ll also notice that you feel more courageous and confident. You’ll feel more in control and more powerful.  
• Remember that ALL your emotions are there to help you—even the ones you think are negative. In the movie, Disgust in her glittery green doesn’t hesitate to say when something’s yucky. It’s important to be alerted when something’s distasteful, but also potentially poisonous or dangerous. Shame is another hard feeling, but being embarrassed about our behavior helps us to know not to do it again.

Remember, too, that the emotions you feel at any given moment aren’t meant to last. They’re temporary, and they’ll change and often disappear when we express them and work with them. Then that will leave us with emotional space to relax, be playful, and happier."

9 Ways To Have a Healthy, Loving Marriage

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Recently my son got married. In preparation for the ceremony, he asked if any family members wanted to say something. My answer was yes, but I wasn’t sure what I’d want to say. I thought perhaps I’d read a poem, but nothing I looked at felt right. Then I realized that I’d like to share my reflections about what I thought was important about living your life with each other. How do you nurture the “we- ness’ of a relationship as well as maintain a sense of independence? Both are important and needed. We are not one or the other—we are interdependent. We can’t give over everything to another or we lose ourselves, nor can we focus solely on ourselves or we lose the intimacy of connection. Below are my thoughts on how to lovingly relate and care for one another throughout marriage.

1. Love with abandon. Articulate the things that are special about one another. It is a gift to see ourselves reflected positively through another’s eyes.

2. Notice each other’s thoughtful gestures. Comment on them because they build a sense of being valued and appreciated.

3. Perfect your ability to communicate well so you can feel heard. Communication comes from the Latin communicare-to make one. Understanding another’s point of view joins us together.  

4. Accept that misunderstandings happen. You are two different people with different life experiences who won’t always see things the same way. Learn to ignore small annoyances. It’s an act of grace. But if something is truly bothersome, address it quickly so things don’t fester or grow bigger.

5. Be quick to apologize. Take full responsibility for your actions and make amends.

6. Encourage each other to dream big and help one another keep those dreams alive.

7. Nurture your relationship. Give it time and attention. Make space to catch up and connect on a regular basis.   

8. Deepen your intimacy by sharing vulnerabilities so you can experience your relationship as a safe place to be supported and loved.

9. And above all, make your relationship a place of joy. Have fun, create adventures, surprise one another, be silly. Find humor in everyday things. Life is not as serious as we think, so look for the charm in life, be grateful for what you have and cultivate pleasure and ease together.

Facing Your Feelings: How To Overcome The Painful Ones

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I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and writing about emotions, and speaking to clients about them. I like to explain that understanding emotions and facing your feelings is important and why it is that we so often neglect them. We’re each different regarding the emotions we’re uncomfortable with, and which ones we’re most likely to deny.

One of my clients is often overwhelmed when she experiences sadness. She’s had this reaction for a long time and works hard to keep feelings of sadness out of her awareness. She’s a master at denial and distraction. But, she’s also self-aware and wants to change. So, our plan is simple. Can she approach this emotion with kindness and acceptance? Can she remember that it is just a feeling? And
can she allow herself to notice how her body feels when sad feelings emerge? If so, can she extend
compassion to herself in that moment. As she’s learned to better tolerate sadness, she can stay more
present.

Here is the story she shared with me the other day in my office. She had just gotten off the phone with her business partner and felt very sad. She wasn’t sure why, but unlike her usual response, which would be to deny this unexpected feeling, she acknowledged it and named it as sadness. She found a quiet place where she could just sit and let happen whatever needed to happen. In a few minutes she began to cry. Then she had an image of being criticized by her mother, and along with this image came the sense of her mother’s disdain. It was a hard insight, but it felt true to her and reflected something she had always sensed. She was not a favored child, and as much as she tried to please her mother, she never could.

No one wants to look at rejection like this, but now as a 40 year old, she had the emotional fortitude to glimpse this reality. As my client allowed herself to stay with her sadness, she realized her business
partner, in their phone conversation, had a dismissive tone with her. And it was this particular tone that had given rise to her sense of sadness. Her business partner was not her mother, and although he could be tough, he was also fair, and they had a good relationship. So while she understood this logically, she also made room for the heavy feelings that weren’t so logical. These feelings were her
unique vulnerability to expressions of dismissive behavior.

We all have vulnerabilities like this. Things hat are particularly hard for us because of childhood hurts, neglect or trauma. What my client did that was different for her was make space for the sad feelings. She was able to feel upset, without being overwhelmed. Equally importantly, she extended compassion to that younger part of herself that had felt hurt and rejected.

Something surprising happened to her after this. Rather than continue to feel sad, she felt the sadness
dissipate. In fact, she reported feeling more energy during the rest of her day. Often we forget that denying emotions takes energy. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we’re using energy to deny, repress
or divert ourselves. Taking time to be aware of our feelings actually takes less time and preserves our
energy to experience more joy in our lives. When strong feelings happen, it’s always good to pay attention. Feelings are there for a reason.

Here are the steps that will help you stay in touch with your feelings:

1. Notice your body's reaction
2. Name the emotion you’re feeling
3. Accept this emotion as valid
4. Investigate why the emotion emerged
5. Extend compassion to yourself

New Study Reveals Children's Spiral Towards Delinquency Can Be Prevented

Another exciting new study showed that teaching "soft" skills to aggressive young children can reduce their chances of becoming involved in criminal trouble in the future. This sounds amazing. It is yet another indication that social and emotional learning can impact lives.  

Photo Credit: Barefoot Social Work

What are "soft" skills? They're those that make us successful in life. Social and emotional skills help us identify and manage our emotions, learn to delay gratification and hold another's point of view in mind. These skills also promote our emotional well being. Without these skills, kids' untamed aggressive behavior will cause disruptive, off-putting responses leaving them ostracized and isolated.  And the lack of these skills could drive them to seek out the company of others with equally aggressive behavior patterns. Neither response pattern is optimal and could leave them unable to generate more adaptive behaviors or find healthier peer networks.

Research studies are showing over and over that social and emotional learning programs deliver positive results. This particular study, directed by Duke researchers, identified 6-year-olds who were labeled aggressive. From ages 6-11 these kids took part in a program that taught social and emotional skills along with academic skills. There were also added support for parents and teachers. Lead researcher, Kenneth Dodge says, "The conclusion that we would make is that these "soft" skills should be emphasized even more in our education system and in our system of socializing children."

There seems to be a growing realization that helping kids become successful adults requires more than academic learning. Teaching them social skills and self control along with academic learning is what leads to lasting success.

New Study Reveals Life's Disruptions Rattle Boys More Than Girls

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A new Northwestern research study found that boys are are more sensitive than girls to disadvantage. It seems that disruptions in their lives have a far greater impact, whether it's a move, a divorce or reduced financial circumstances. This study cites a number of ways in which boys are falling behind more so than girls: fewer boys are graduating from high school, fewer boys attend college, and more of them are likely to have disciplinary problems and learning disabilities.

It's hard to understand why boys react in a more negative manner to disadvantage. There are, of course, multiple variables that could account for this. This study is consistent with earlier studies documenting boys' greater sensitivity to their environment. One of these studies in particular revealed that from birth, boys are more emotionally expressive. They use their bodies to make more gestures and communicate through sounds aimed at engaging others.

So why wouldn't these sensitivities be a plus for boys? These are skills we encourage in children. We want our kids to be attentive, engaged and interactive. Unfortunately, this level of emotional sensitivity runs counter to cultural stereotypes for masculinity. While it is fine for girls to be sensitively in touch with what's happening around them, it's not for boys. A recent interview with Psychologist Ronald Levant revealed that both moms and dads start limiting boys' expression of emotions early on. In fact, for boys, it's more emotional suppression than expression. Social stereotyping for boys means learning to be stoic, self reliant and aggressive. Softer emotions and vulnerability are discouraged. Boys are left to manage their emotions without support and comfort, and when they express vulnerability, they are subject to shame and ridicule. Boys don't cry, boys don't act like sissies, and they definitely don't act like girls. Their range of emotional expression is seriously curtailed. Boys can be competitive and seek leadership roles. They can be angry and even aggressive. We tolerate this and say "Well, boys will be boys." Boys can be boastful and cocky, but not vulnerable, ashamed or sad. Boys can to be protective, but not tender. In other words, according to the cultural stereotype of masculinity, boys only get half of what's available.

While parents can't do much about the prevailing stereotypes, they can counter much of this in their own home. One consistent result of the Northwestern research study is that families who invest more in children are protective for boys. This suggests that perhaps parental guidance can help boys expand what they believe about being male. Here are some ideas for encouraging boys to get comfortable with a full range of emotions:

1. Help both boys and girls understand that all their feelings are okay. Help them identify their primary emotions. Make a chart of the primary emotions they can refer to and ask each day which feelings they felt.
2. Counter the attitude that boys need to be strong and unemotional. It takes energy to suppress emotions, and that compressed energy can turn to aggression. Being able to express emotions helps release that energy and produce more positive behavior.
3. Help boys feel at ease with being vulnerable. Life is full of disappointments, lost opportunities, and misunderstandings. It's important to acknowledge when something upsetting has happened, rather than deny that reality. Being in touch with our hurt, sadness or shame is human. Dealing with these feelings makes us sturdier and able to handle life's ups and downs with greater ease. 
4. Encourage emotional connection rather than isolation. Boys especially need to know it's okay to seek comfort, support and conversation when things are hard. It is through this kind of sharing that we begin to understand intimacy and trust. And we want boys to establish and build solid relationships with others.

How Childhood Stress Affects Future Health

NPR just reported a new study that points to the importance of helping children name and manage their emotions. The study reported in the Journal of American College of Cardiology found that emotional distress during childhood, even in the absence of high stress during adult years, can increase the risk of developing heart disease and metabolic disorders such as diabetes in adulthood. The data was from a large study tracking 6,714 participants from ages 7-45.   

The surprise in the study was exactly how much these early experiences of childhood stress were linked to future health. I think it's a surprise only in the sense that we discount childhood stress. We tend to minimize childhood stress not believing it has real significance. We say things like, "They'll get over it" or "It wasn't that bad". And we're relieved when kids don't talk about it because we truly hope that all is well. Sometimes this is the case because kids can be resilient. This is especially true of kids who possess easy going temperaments. These kids are able to meet new experience with ease while other kids who are temperamentally reticent or cautious will fare less well with challenging situations.

I've seen many instances with children where early disturbing experiences have lingered, increased or become somatic. Disturbing experiences generate strong emotions, and they affect our body and our behavior. I remember one little girl who was devastated by a harsh remark from a teacher. She developed a school phobia which no one understood because up to that point she had loved going to school. She didn't tell anyone about being upset, but the remark undermined her confidence. Her solution was to avoid school, so that no one would see her incompetence.

Similarly, I saw a young boy whose teachers and parents complained was oppositional. He had a loving home and sympathetic teachers, but his behavior was a puzzle. I soon learned that he had undergone a frightening medical procedure in which he had to be restrained. After his initial hysterial crying, he calmed down and everyone thought he was okay. However, this experience lived in his body and was revealed by his pushing people away and being uncooperative. His trust had been compromised and adults were seen as untrustworthy.  

Another young girl had sustained multiple separations from her mother which were sudden and mysterious. Little had been explained to her, and although she seemed fine, when her mother returned she became clingy, had trouble sleeping and wouldn't let her mother out of her sight.  Her fear of abandonment had surfaced during these separations, and she couldn't tolerate any additional ones.

This study is another reminder of how important it is to take our children's emotions seriously. When you know that something disturbing has happened to your child, make sure to check in and mention the expereince a few different times.  This lets them know that you're aware of them and concerned about their well being. You can state that disappointments and scary experiences are hard for everyone. Normalizing a child's feelings is calming. Haim Ginott, in his classic book Between Parent and Child says, "Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished."

When Is Being Cheerful Counterproductive?

Photo Credit: Disney Pixar

I've been curious about Joy's role in the Pixar movie Inside Out.  Joy was a primary emotion in Riley's early life in Minnesota.  Riley was secure and all her major experiences were happy ones.  Joy didn't really have to work very hard, but that changed when Riley moved to a new city.   Suddenly, Joy had to work a lot harder because Riley was increasingly unhappy.  We see Joy hovering over the control panel keeping Sadness at bay and energetically maneuvering to put a positive spin on Riley's experiences.  She only wants to keep Riley happy and help her make the most of her new situation.  We can identify with Joy's desire to emphasize the positive, and we know that maintaining a positive attitude often proves useful.  Research studies have consistently shown the benefits of a positive attitude: better health, school and career success, longevity, secure friendships, happiness and resilience.   Yet, in the movie, even with Joy's help, Riley's mood isn't changing.  

I think Riley's experience represents those times in life when we're overwhelmed with disappointments or loss and need time to adapt.  We need someone to see and acknowledge how we're feeling and being positive seems to deny our reality.  Actually, research is showing that there are times, like the situation Riley is facing, where being overly optimistic does not serve us well.  Searching for a silver lining can ignore reality and be detrimental.  

I'm reminded of a family session I conducted recently.  The adult son shared with his mother that her positive attitude sometimes got in the way of his feeling understood.  He talked of the time when he was young and seriously ill.  Her optimism had, in fact, made him feel more alone and frightened.  He knew he was ill, felt very weak and thought he was dying.  He had no one to share his fears with and only felt anger that his mother was denying reality.  He was in danger and he knew it.  He desperately needed confirmation of his reality and comfort.  Sometimes, the intensity of a situation taxes our resources; we need help mastering our situation and cheerful reassurance feels hollow.   

In Inside Out, Riley felt a disconnect between what she was feeling inside: sad and lonely; and what she was supposed to show on the outside: joy and optimism.  She desperately needed her parents to know how much despair she was feeling.  When difficult or scary things happen to us, we need our reality confirmed.  When it is minimized or ignored, we'll feel misunderstood.  The gulf between ourselves and another becomes larger.  My client would have fared much better, and not still be carrying this old hurt around, if his mother had acknowledged his fear and what was happening to him.  Similarly, Riley would have fared better if her parents had seen her sadness as it was happening and taken the time to listen to her feelings.  When we listen to someone's sadness or fears, we are not giving in to negativity; we are only accepting reality.  

In Inside Out, the acceptance of Riley's reality is represented by Joy's giving over the control panel to Sadness.  Joy acknowledges that hearing Riley's sadness is the way back to happiness.  And in truth, acknowledging reality can create more positive outcomes.  It makes us feel understood and cared about.  With this support we can help figure out ways to make things better and reassert our competence.  Riley does this by trying out for the hockey team again and succeeding this time. 

  

So, as research and the movie suggest, there are times in life that are too serious to be taken lightly.  Times when we need to accept rather than deny a difficult reality.  We can, though, have a positive attitude towards whatever challenges we face and a belief in our ability to manage them.  Looking reality in the face, helps us grow our capacity to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.  And this ultimately makes us studier and better able to handle difficult situations in the future. 

Sadness Saves the Day In Pixar's Inside Out - Part II

                                                             Photo Credit: Disney Pixar

The first island, Family, represents secure connections. Because of her attentive, loving parents, this island has always felt solid for Riley. But now, as Riley's parents are preoccupied, she feels neglected and this formally reliable island is shaky. The second island, Honesty, which represents personal values, is also in jeopardy. Riley wants to go back to Minnesota, so she steals her mom's credit card for bus money. The trust that made this island sturdy is now undermined. Meanwhile, the Friendship island crumbles because Riley feels friendless in her new city and wonders if her old friends still like her. The next island, Hockey, which is about personal likes and talents, has taken a hit when she doesn't feel excited about playing and quits her tryouts. And lastly, Goofball island, representing our silly playful nature is about to crumble as well. Her family has always clowned with one another, making goofy monkey gestures; now Riley doesn't even try to be funny.   

As Riley gets more out of sorts, we have a parallel story of Joy and Sadness accidentally getting sucked out of the control tower and landing in long term memory. There's a long sequence about their journey back to the control tower. While I think the crew at Pixar did an amazing job of illustrating how memory works, I think most young kids will have trouble following it. It's abstract, but the story line between Sadness and Joy keeps us engaged. Sadness is so sad that she flops on the floor and Joy has to pull her around. It's mimics the low energy Riley is experiencing, making her sullen and hiding in her room.  

Sadness' depleted energy and sense of helplessness starts to change when she and Joy encounter Bing Bong, Riley's nearly forgotten imaginary friend. Sadness sits down next to Bing Bong and does what she does best.  She listens to him remember some of the fun times he's had with Riley. His sadness is especially strong because he knows Riley has forgotten all about him. Sadness' allows Bing Bong to grieve the loss of his special relationship with Riley and helps him recover. With the support of Sadness, Bing Bong now has the energy to help them find their way back to the control tower. Joy is puzzled and doesn't quite realize what Sadness has done. Yet, she knows it is something unique to Sadness and something that she can't do.   

When Joy and Sadness get back to the control tower, things are whirling out of control: the other emotions aren't able to keep things in balance and there's a crisis to control and Riley is running away from home.  It is at this critical moment that Joy remembers how Sadness helped Bing Bong, so she puts Sadness in control.

Sadness helps Riley return home and talk to her parents about her sadness. Embraced and comforted by her parents, Riley cries and shares all the things that have been hard for her. Being heard and having her sadness acknowledged reassures her of her parents concern and caring.  Sadness is the emotion which, although not fun, helps us understand the value of things we've lost. Riley had good friends that she had fun with and it's hard to not have them close by. She was a valuable member of her hockey team and she misses the fun of being part of that team and knowing she was a valued member. Her family did lots of outdoors activities together and that's no longer happening.  She has lost all these things that once were a regular part of her life.  Without them her life has felt sad and empty.     

Riley needed space to feel sad and talk about what's been hard about giving those things up. Throughout life we all have to manage change and let go of things that have been meaningful. But that process is made much easier if we can embrace our sadness rather than hide it.  And then compassionately allow ourselves whatever time we need to heal.  When we give ourselves that space, we regain our resilience and open ourselves up to new experiences. Riley did this after she shared her heartbreak with her parents. The energy of her sadness got released and new energy emerged that allowed her to successfully join a new hockey team. Riley's new team will be different from her old one. But she'll have her memories, and the possibility of new connections and the knowledge of her capacity to manage change no matter how hard.

How did you like the movie? I'd love to know - tweet me @PeggyKTietz!

Sadness Saves the Day In Pixar's Inside Out - Part I

Photo Credit: Disney Pixar

What a great job Pixar has done in creating a movie about emotions. It's inventive, fun and teaches us that all emotions are okay and necessary. Of course, I love it - the message mirrors that of my book, Yell and Shout, Cry and Pout: A Kid's Guide to Feelings. Like Pixar, I wrote the book to help kids understand the purpose and usefulness of each of our emotions.

Emotions have gotten a bad rap; we tend to consider them troublesome, rather than helpful. Pixar challenges this perspective and shows that emotions help us enjoy life and cope with difficult situations. Life is full of both ups and downs; this is represented in the movie by Joy and Sadness. There is tension between the two until they recognize how they are each unique and can help Riley, but in very different ways. 

Inside Out takes us inside 11 year old Riley's mind. We see her five emotions ready for action in front of a control panel. Joy sports short blue hair and is a kind of perky Tinkerbell. Sadness is a blue blob in a sloppy sweater and big round glasses. Anger looks like a red Sponge Bob. Fear is a frantic long nosed character in bow tie and then there is Disgust with sparkly green hair and lashes. 

In general, Joy is in charge and focuses on keeping Riley happy.  She's creative and persistent in finding ways to make difficult situations better.  The other emotions fill in as needed. Joy is often seen running interference to keep Sadness from influencing Riley's experience, or from coloring her memories a sadder shade. At one point, frustrated by Sadness' negative interpretation of things, Joy restricts her to a tiny circle on the floor.  

Joy's commitment to Riley's happiness is amplified by Riley's parents who have always experienced Riley as their "happy girl."  It's clearly hard for them to see her unhappy. Of course, it's always hard for parents to witness a child's unhappiness. But if we ignore or shield them from difficult experiences, we inadvertently deprive them of the opportunity to master those situations. We also teach them that it's not okay to be sad.  As we see in the movie, when Riley's parents try to get her to be cheerful, when she's clearly not, she feels less understood and more downhearted.

So what's happened to Riley? Her life has been turned up-side down and nothing feels right. Her family has moved to a new state and everything is different and uncomfortable. Her new house is not cozy like her old one, and even seems kind of spooky. There's no backyard swing or pond for ice skating. The kids in her new school look different and she's not sure she fits in. Her best friend back home in Minnesota has already made friends with the girl who's taken Riley's place on the hockey team. This makes her feel as if she's not even missed. 

When she tries out for a new hockey team she hasn't the confidence to do well. Her parents are preoccupied - Mom talking with the movers who haven't delivered any of their belongings; Dad is busy on the phone or away trying to sort out work problems. Riley is starting to feel overwhelmed and her sense of security is threatened. Her usual anchors, represented as islands of her personality, are crumbling. 

Part II coming next week...

Rescue Kid's When Their Emotions Explode

Kids are still learning about their emotions and how to keep their emotions in balance. They frequently feel their emotions intensely, and don't know what to do with them. We see the results in their melt downs and overreactions. So how do we rescue kids when they are overwrought and can't manage what they're feeling?

1. Be A Calm Anchor

You first help kids by being calm yourself. It's easy to get caught up in their energy and then react with intensity yourself. Who hasn't yelled "calm down" when kids are out of control? Of course it makes things worse because now there are two people out of control. Kids look to us to be their steady anchor when they're out of control; to help them sort things out and be their support.

2. Stay Connected 

Your physical presence is critical in helping kids get back in control. Too often we send them off to be by themselves exactly when they most need closeness. You might suggest they come sit in your lap or offer a hug. If they resist, stay in the same space but occupy yourself with something of your own. At some point when they're ready to reach out to you, you'll be available. Kids know when their behavior has been extreme and fear rejection. Your calm acceptance is profoundly reassuring. You're not condoning their behavior, but waiting until they're calm enough to discuss what happened.

3. Show Them How to Calm Their Body

Help kids learn to calm their body by showing them what to do. Try breathing techniques first. Tell them to mirror what you're doing. Hold your hands over your heart and take deep belly breaths. Teach them the difference between shallow anxious chest breathing and relaxed full belly breathes. If this is too hard, show them how to sip in a small breathe and exhale to the count of 7. You can make it fun and relatable by having them pretend to be blowing out birthday candles. Sometimes it can be more helpful to focus on the exhale than the inhale. If they are too agitated to do breathing techniques, try something more physical. Together you could do running in place, jumping jacks, stretching to the sky and then slumping down and touching your toes; any non-aggressive physical activity helps. After some of their energy is released you can try again to introduce the breathing techniques.

4. Label Their Feeling  

Kids can act intensely and not know why. They might say they're "mad" or "frustrated," but in fact they might be feeling jealous or guilty. Naming these emotions will help them build a "feeling vocabulary," which will help them begin to distinguish between feelings. When we say: "I think you're feeling ashamed about not telling me the truth about who broke the mirror," they can recognize that what they're feeling isn't anger, but shame. Learning these distinctions will help them be more accurate when they tell you what they're feeling.   

5. Distinguish Between Feelings and Behavior

While we want to help kids learn to moderate their responses, we don't want to invalidate their feelings. It's important that kids know that something real happened to cause their behavior. If we invalidate strong feelings, kids grow to fear those feelings and eventually learn to hide them both from themselves and others. We want kids to have access to all their feelings and also to learn appropriate ways to express them.

6. Discuss What Prompted the Feelings

Encourage kids to tell you what happened. Then listen attentively to their story. It doesn't have to make sense. Often it won't, but telling their story will help dissipate some of the energy of their emotion. Then when they're calmer, you can begin to sort out a more realistic picture of what happened. When emotions are high we can't "think straight." It's literally true; our body needs to calm down before we can engage our "thinking brain." Emotions give us clues about how we're behaving and then our "thinking brain" can help us continue to sort things out and come up with wise responses. Having access to both our emotions and logic keeps us balanced and in control of ourselves.

How do you help your kids manage their feelings? Let me know! Leave me a comment below or tweet me at @PeggykTietz. 

Help Kids Decode What They're Feeling

Be A Translator

When kids have strong feelings they often can't express what they really mean. They take short cuts and say things like, "I'm stupid," or "You're mean." While they're able to express the energy of the emotion they're experiencing, they might be unable to give it a name. When this happens we can give them "feeling" words to help make sense of their experience. We can reduce their confusion by linking their behavior to the feeling they're experiencing.  

When we increase their feeling vocabulary they become better able to identify their emotions and the situations that cause them. For example, when a child says "I'm stupid," you can comment that they seem dissatisfied with themselves. Then you can ask questions or explore together what's not going well for them. Maybe they're angry with themselves because they tend toward perfectionism and have trouble making mistakes. You can then help them develop tolerance for less than perfect attempts and be more gentle with themselves. Or perhaps they're sad and feeling hopeless about their ability to do well on their math homework. You can sympathize knowing that this a difficult subject for them while also reminding them of their competence and the importance of persistence. When you name the emotions they're exhibiting you help them gain self knowledge and you have the opportunity to offer guidance and support.    

Imagine What They're Feeling

It might seem wrong to just guess what a child is feeling, but it's better to guess than not comment at all. It's true you might be wrong, but there are two reasons to try. The first reason is that your attention, not your accuracy, is what matters most. Kids depend on our noticing their emotional states; it is being attune to their feelings that makes them feel seen and important. Secondly, if you've guessed wrong most kids will readily let you know. It's important to them that you to get it right and they'll correct you if you're off base. When you're uncertain about what feeling is being expressed, check their body language. Notice and comment on their facial expression. Say something like: "I see there's a frown on your face." Or notice their tone of voice and say: "Your voice is so quiet, I wonder if you're feeling shy." Or perhaps there's a behavior you can comment on: "I see you're pacing; that must be a hard assignment." Commenting on what you're seeing can help open up discussion and lead to unearthing whatever emotions haven't been fully understood. Your support helps them become more emotionally aware and better able to mange their emotions the next time.

What experiences have you had helping your children through their feelings? What kind of body language have you encountered that has clued you into what they might be feeling? I would love to know - Tweet to me at @PeggyKTietz.