How Childhood Stress Affects Future Health

NPR just reported a new study that points to the importance of helping children name and manage their emotions. The study reported in the Journal of American College of Cardiology found that emotional distress during childhood, even in the absence of high stress during adult years, can increase the risk of developing heart disease and metabolic disorders such as diabetes in adulthood. The data was from a large study tracking 6,714 participants from ages 7-45.   

The surprise in the study was exactly how much these early experiences of childhood stress were linked to future health. I think it's a surprise only in the sense that we discount childhood stress. We tend to minimize childhood stress not believing it has real significance. We say things like, "They'll get over it" or "It wasn't that bad". And we're relieved when kids don't talk about it because we truly hope that all is well. Sometimes this is the case because kids can be resilient. This is especially true of kids who possess easy going temperaments. These kids are able to meet new experience with ease while other kids who are temperamentally reticent or cautious will fare less well with challenging situations.

I've seen many instances with children where early disturbing experiences have lingered, increased or become somatic. Disturbing experiences generate strong emotions, and they affect our body and our behavior. I remember one little girl who was devastated by a harsh remark from a teacher. She developed a school phobia which no one understood because up to that point she had loved going to school. She didn't tell anyone about being upset, but the remark undermined her confidence. Her solution was to avoid school, so that no one would see her incompetence.

Similarly, I saw a young boy whose teachers and parents complained was oppositional. He had a loving home and sympathetic teachers, but his behavior was a puzzle. I soon learned that he had undergone a frightening medical procedure in which he had to be restrained. After his initial hysterial crying, he calmed down and everyone thought he was okay. However, this experience lived in his body and was revealed by his pushing people away and being uncooperative. His trust had been compromised and adults were seen as untrustworthy.  

Another young girl had sustained multiple separations from her mother which were sudden and mysterious. Little had been explained to her, and although she seemed fine, when her mother returned she became clingy, had trouble sleeping and wouldn't let her mother out of her sight.  Her fear of abandonment had surfaced during these separations, and she couldn't tolerate any additional ones.

This study is another reminder of how important it is to take our children's emotions seriously. When you know that something disturbing has happened to your child, make sure to check in and mention the expereince a few different times.  This lets them know that you're aware of them and concerned about their well being. You can state that disappointments and scary experiences are hard for everyone. Normalizing a child's feelings is calming. Haim Ginott, in his classic book Between Parent and Child says, "Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished."

What’s a Real Apology?

I’ve recently been thinking about how we give and receive apologies and why sometimes an apology doesn’t seem to take.  Recently, I was working with someone who was the recipient of some unexpectedly nasty comments.   He decided to confront his friend about this and, while his friend apologized quickly, he also gave multiple excuses for his behavior.   It was clear to my client that the apology was insincere.   It felt hollow and rather than leaving him feeling better, it left him discontent.  

Why was he still feeling dissatisfied?   I think it was because he felt the person didn’t really mean it.  When someone recounts all the reasons why they did something, it feels as if they are trying to excuse their behavior, rather than take responsibility for it.    It seems that accepting what you’ve done, no matter what the extenuating circumstances, is an import component of an effective apology.   It takes courage to accept the reality of our hurtful behavior, and not make excuses in order to defend ourselves.   We want others to have a positive image of us and we don’t like to think of ourselves as thoughtless.   Yet, to truly apologize we have to tolerate our own distress, and without excuses, admit that we were at fault.

Aside from our total honesty in admitting fault, I think there is another important aspect to apologizing. It involves acknowledging how our behavior has affected the other person and being able to see the situation from their point of view. 

Let’s say you’re 15 minutes late to meet your friend for lunch.  Then just as you were leaving, you had to take an important call that couldn’t wait.   So, instead of explaining what happened to make you late, you first describe how your friend might have felt.  What were her thoughts and feelings as she was left waiting for you to arrive?    Here are some possible statements that would indicate you understood her experience:

 “Oh my gosh, I’ve left you sitting here for 15 minutes and you must have been concerned about where I was.   That’s a miserable feeling not knowing if I was coming or not. “   

“You didn’t get a text or anything to let you know that I was detained.  I know, I don’t like it when someone does that to me.    It makes me uncertain and even makes me wonder if I’ve gotten the meeting time wrong.” 

“I suspect it also might have made you feel that you’re not all that important to me.   I want you to know I was especially looking forward to our meeting and value our friendship.  I’m really annoyed with myself for having messed things up.  Will you accept my apology?”

Being addressed empathetically allows the other person to know their emotions are being seen as important, and that you are aware of the consequences of your action.  No matter why we’ve upset someone, if we first acknowledge their experience we are letting them know that we care about them.  I think this is the healing part of an apology    At least for me, when I have received an apology that speaks to my experience, I feel that my hurt has been taken care of and that my heart is open again.

I only we all could remember to do this simple step of taking another’s point of view before trying to defend our behavior.  Validating the other person’s experience would, I believe, avoid a lot of unintended hurt.   To do this, I think we need to have a pause to stop our automatic defense of ourselves, and to instead accept our imperfections and humanity.  Perhaps we defend ourselves rather than just accept ourselves.    Sometimes we will be inconsiderate.   Sometimes we may even be intentionally hurtful.   All of these behaviors are part of being human.   When we can accept our imperfections, we can learn from our mistakes and know that this one misstep does not define who we are.     Holding compassion for ourselves when we make mistakes can help us accept responsibility for our actions, and allow us to understand the other person’s experience rather than focus on ourselves.     There will be time later to give our own explanations what happened and find a way to make amends.

So, as I consider all the parts that make an apology really effective, I see it as a four part process.   I think that these are the steps that I would include:

Offer an apology:   “I’m so sorry.”

Except blame for what happened:   “This was entirely my fault.”

Be empathetic:   “You’ve been inconvenienced and annoyed and I can see why.”

Make amends:   “How can I make this up to you.”

  

Guest Blog-Parents and Apologies, By Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPPC.

I’m really pleased to announce my guest blogger, Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPPC of Sixty Second Parent.  Ellen’s blog, “Parents and Apologies,” helps us understand why it’s important to apologize to our children when we’ve been wrong, overreacted or have been unreasonable.   Sometimes we hesitate because we don’t want to weaken our authority.  Or perhaps, we’re ashamed and don’t want to admit it.   Or maybe we believe that it will be forgotten and we won’t have to do anything.  But whatever the reason for our hesitation, we need to think twice about not apologizing.   I believe not owning up to our mistakes makes things worse, not better.  Can’t we all remember childhood hurts that still feel vivid?  They stick with us because they angered us and seemed unfair.   What was needed in those situations is exactly what Ellen talks about, sincere apology and restoring trust in the parent-child relationship.

Parents and Apologies

It is a special strength of a self-confident parent to admit mistakes, and the acknowledgment of occasional shortcomings affirms our humanity to our children.  Genuinely admitting our lack of perfection allows our children to understand that the standard for proper behavior is not error-free living, but rather learning to live responsibly in community with others.  Many people will use the term “sorry” loosely; but when you are wrong or have wronged another, genuinely saying “I’m sorry” is hard work.  Parents are the most important role models for their children.  Consequently, admitting mistakes and apologizing are behaviors that need to be modeled. 

We are not perfect!!!  It is OK to be human.  We were not meant to be perfect; and if we appear to be perfect to our children, we instill in them a tremendous pressure to strive for an unreasonable and impossible standard.  Alternatively, when we insist that we are right, and our children know that we are not, we lose trust and respect.  Apologizing for mistakes teaches our children to accept responsibility for their behaviors and to seek reconciliation.  Power struggles within families can often be defused with a genuine apology.

When apologizing to your children:

·          Be genuine.  The most important thing about apologies is the genuineness by which they are given.

·          Don’t use apologies to make your point.  “I was wrong, BUT …” is no apology. 

·          Connect emotionally.  Apologies give us the opportunity to connect with the other person on an emotional level and therefore must be given in the right context.  If you are feeling angry or hurt, wait until you can be tuned into your kids and open to their feelings.

·          Communicate your words in an appropriate manner.  The words used are not as important as the way in which they are stated.  The words themselves can be as simple as “I’m sorry, I was wrong”.  I tell my kids that I am not a perfect parent; nevertheless I am the parent God chose for them, and I will try to do my best for them.

·         Value the relationship.  It is part of our relationship as family to admit our wrongs, just as we celebrate with each other our gifts and successes.

Remember that our forgiveness in response to our child’s apology, the other side of this “coin”, is an equally important behavior to model to our children.

By Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPC for www.sixtysecondparent.com - Ellen is a registered nurse as well as a licensed and national board certified counselor. She has a private practice that serves children ages 2 to 18 and has over 18 years of experience counseling children and educating parents.