How Childhood Stress Affects Future Health

NPR just reported a new study that points to the importance of helping children name and manage their emotions. The study reported in the Journal of American College of Cardiology found that emotional distress during childhood, even in the absence of high stress during adult years, can increase the risk of developing heart disease and metabolic disorders such as diabetes in adulthood. The data was from a large study tracking 6,714 participants from ages 7-45.   

The surprise in the study was exactly how much these early experiences of childhood stress were linked to future health. I think it's a surprise only in the sense that we discount childhood stress. We tend to minimize childhood stress not believing it has real significance. We say things like, "They'll get over it" or "It wasn't that bad". And we're relieved when kids don't talk about it because we truly hope that all is well. Sometimes this is the case because kids can be resilient. This is especially true of kids who possess easy going temperaments. These kids are able to meet new experience with ease while other kids who are temperamentally reticent or cautious will fare less well with challenging situations.

I've seen many instances with children where early disturbing experiences have lingered, increased or become somatic. Disturbing experiences generate strong emotions, and they affect our body and our behavior. I remember one little girl who was devastated by a harsh remark from a teacher. She developed a school phobia which no one understood because up to that point she had loved going to school. She didn't tell anyone about being upset, but the remark undermined her confidence. Her solution was to avoid school, so that no one would see her incompetence.

Similarly, I saw a young boy whose teachers and parents complained was oppositional. He had a loving home and sympathetic teachers, but his behavior was a puzzle. I soon learned that he had undergone a frightening medical procedure in which he had to be restrained. After his initial hysterial crying, he calmed down and everyone thought he was okay. However, this experience lived in his body and was revealed by his pushing people away and being uncooperative. His trust had been compromised and adults were seen as untrustworthy.  

Another young girl had sustained multiple separations from her mother which were sudden and mysterious. Little had been explained to her, and although she seemed fine, when her mother returned she became clingy, had trouble sleeping and wouldn't let her mother out of her sight.  Her fear of abandonment had surfaced during these separations, and she couldn't tolerate any additional ones.

This study is another reminder of how important it is to take our children's emotions seriously. When you know that something disturbing has happened to your child, make sure to check in and mention the expereince a few different times.  This lets them know that you're aware of them and concerned about their well being. You can state that disappointments and scary experiences are hard for everyone. Normalizing a child's feelings is calming. Haim Ginott, in his classic book Between Parent and Child says, "Strong feelings do not vanish by being banished."

Keeping Your Cool When Kid's Lose Theirs, Part Three

My last two blogs have been about how to keep your cool in the moment when things are falling apart around you.    We all need quick techniques to help us restore our calm, when we know our stress is getting too high.   Yet, there’s another aspect to what makes us lose our cool and it’s about how our own childhood impacts our parenting.     Have you ever unexpectedly done something that was exactly like your mother or father did, and it is exactly the thing you swore you’d never do to your kids?  These unconscious actions leave us all aghast and ashamed because it is the exact opposite of how we intended to behave.   These unconscious reactions to our children mirror how we were treated in similar situations when we were young.   In order for us to act on our intentions, rather than be reactive, we need to bring more consciousness to these situations.    Here are some ideas and questions to ask yourself in a quiet moment when you have time to reflect.

Personal Inventory

Take some time and try to consider what kinds of situation is the most distressing for you.   Are there certain ones that are consistently hard?   What exactly do your children do or say that push your buttons?  Sometimes the things that drive us crazy have to do with emotions or behaviors that we were denied as children.   Check to see if this might be true for you.  

Think about the eight primary emotions: anger, fear, sadness, shame, love, happiness, surprise and disgust.   Were these equally allowed expression in your family?    Which ones were okay for you to express and which ones were taboo?   Are the ones you were denied hard to accept in your kids?    Probably so, and just knowing this will help you be more tolerant and provide a much wider spectrum of emotional expression for your kids.

Now, think about some of the family dynamics you grew up with.   Ask yourself what behaviors were frowned upon and you weren’t allowed to express.  For example, if you grew up in an authoritarian family and were not permitted to question adults, you might have trouble when your children question your rules.  Or maybe you grew up in a family where decorum and restraint were expected, and you’ll be uncomfortable when your kids are exuberant and noisy.   Or perhaps you were saddled with unrealistic expectations of perfection and get annoyed if your kid’s performance is less than stellar.  Maybe in your family, you were expected to be neat and tidy, so it will be hard when your kids are sloppy and messy.  Or you grew up in a family that demonstrated little affection and expected independence, and you’ll find it hard to be sympathetic when your children request hugs and need reassurance. 

All these scenarios provide challenges that reflect some difficult aspect from our own childhoods.   Often we’re not even aware of what they are, so just becoming more observant of which emotions and behaviors annoy us is an important first step.  This level of self awareness is the key to being less reactive and having more control in choosing how to respond.   This is not easy to do; it takes time and effort, so don’t be discouraged.   Get help when you need it.   We all get stuck in old patterns and need others to give us perspective.  Ask friends how they handle similar situations.  Keep a log and jot down difficult situations and a new response for each.  And if you’re still struggling with stubbornly entrenched habits, consider therapy.   We all have the ability to make different choices and be more in control of our life.     Aside from your own sense of empowerment, you’ll also be providing an example of calm control which your kids can model and use when they have children of their own.   How exciting to think of our power to undo old negative patterns from our childhood and offer something much more positive to our children.