My last two blogs have been about
how to keep your cool in the moment when things are falling apart around
you. We all need quick techniques to
help us restore our calm, when we know our stress is getting too high. Yet, there’s another aspect to what makes us
lose our cool and it’s about how our own childhood impacts our parenting. Have you ever unexpectedly done something
that was exactly like your mother or father did, and it is exactly the thing
you swore you’d never do to your kids?
These unconscious actions leave us all aghast and ashamed because it is
the exact opposite of how we intended to behave. These unconscious reactions to our children
mirror how we were treated in similar situations when we were young. In order for us to act on our intentions, rather
than be reactive, we need to bring more consciousness to these situations. Here are some ideas and questions to ask
yourself in a quiet moment when you have time to reflect.
Personal Inventory
Take some time and try to
consider what kinds of situation is the most distressing for you. Are there certain ones that are consistently
hard? What exactly do your children do
or say that push your buttons? Sometimes
the things that drive us crazy have to do with emotions or behaviors that we
were denied as children. Check to see
if this might be true for you.
Think about the eight primary
emotions: anger, fear, sadness, shame, love, happiness, surprise and
disgust. Were these equally allowed
expression in your family? Which ones
were okay for you to express and which ones were taboo? Are the ones you were denied hard to accept
in your kids? Probably so, and just knowing this will help
you be more tolerant and provide a much wider spectrum of emotional expression
for your kids.
Now, think about some of the
family dynamics you grew up with. Ask
yourself what behaviors were frowned upon and you weren’t allowed to
express. For example, if you grew up in
an authoritarian family and were not permitted to question adults, you might
have trouble when your children question your rules. Or maybe you grew up in a family where
decorum and restraint were expected, and you’ll be uncomfortable when your kids
are exuberant and noisy. Or perhaps you
were saddled with unrealistic expectations of perfection and get annoyed if
your kid’s performance is less than stellar.
Maybe in your family, you were expected to be neat and tidy, so it will
be hard when your kids are sloppy and messy.
Or you grew up in a family that demonstrated little affection and
expected independence, and you’ll find it hard to be sympathetic when your
children request hugs and need reassurance.
All these scenarios provide
challenges that reflect some difficult aspect from our own childhoods. Often we’re not even aware of what they are,
so just becoming more observant of which emotions and behaviors annoy us is an
important first step. This level of self
awareness is the key to being less reactive and having more control in choosing
how to respond. This is not easy to do;
it takes time and effort, so don’t be discouraged. Get help when you need it. We all get stuck in old patterns and need
others to give us perspective. Ask
friends how they handle similar situations.
Keep a log and jot down difficult situations and a new response for
each. And if you’re still struggling
with stubbornly entrenched habits, consider therapy. We all
have the ability to make different choices and be more in control of our
life. Aside from your own sense of empowerment,
you’ll also be providing an example of calm control which your kids can model
and use when they have children of their own.
How exciting to think of our power to undo old negative patterns from
our childhood and offer something much more positive to our children.
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