What’s a Real Apology?

I’ve recently been thinking about how we give and receive apologies and why sometimes an apology doesn’t seem to take.  Recently, I was working with someone who was the recipient of some unexpectedly nasty comments.   He decided to confront his friend about this and, while his friend apologized quickly, he also gave multiple excuses for his behavior.   It was clear to my client that the apology was insincere.   It felt hollow and rather than leaving him feeling better, it left him discontent.  

Why was he still feeling dissatisfied?   I think it was because he felt the person didn’t really mean it.  When someone recounts all the reasons why they did something, it feels as if they are trying to excuse their behavior, rather than take responsibility for it.    It seems that accepting what you’ve done, no matter what the extenuating circumstances, is an import component of an effective apology.   It takes courage to accept the reality of our hurtful behavior, and not make excuses in order to defend ourselves.   We want others to have a positive image of us and we don’t like to think of ourselves as thoughtless.   Yet, to truly apologize we have to tolerate our own distress, and without excuses, admit that we were at fault.

Aside from our total honesty in admitting fault, I think there is another important aspect to apologizing. It involves acknowledging how our behavior has affected the other person and being able to see the situation from their point of view. 

Let’s say you’re 15 minutes late to meet your friend for lunch.  Then just as you were leaving, you had to take an important call that couldn’t wait.   So, instead of explaining what happened to make you late, you first describe how your friend might have felt.  What were her thoughts and feelings as she was left waiting for you to arrive?    Here are some possible statements that would indicate you understood her experience:

 “Oh my gosh, I’ve left you sitting here for 15 minutes and you must have been concerned about where I was.   That’s a miserable feeling not knowing if I was coming or not. “   

“You didn’t get a text or anything to let you know that I was detained.  I know, I don’t like it when someone does that to me.    It makes me uncertain and even makes me wonder if I’ve gotten the meeting time wrong.” 

“I suspect it also might have made you feel that you’re not all that important to me.   I want you to know I was especially looking forward to our meeting and value our friendship.  I’m really annoyed with myself for having messed things up.  Will you accept my apology?”

Being addressed empathetically allows the other person to know their emotions are being seen as important, and that you are aware of the consequences of your action.  No matter why we’ve upset someone, if we first acknowledge their experience we are letting them know that we care about them.  I think this is the healing part of an apology    At least for me, when I have received an apology that speaks to my experience, I feel that my hurt has been taken care of and that my heart is open again.

I only we all could remember to do this simple step of taking another’s point of view before trying to defend our behavior.  Validating the other person’s experience would, I believe, avoid a lot of unintended hurt.   To do this, I think we need to have a pause to stop our automatic defense of ourselves, and to instead accept our imperfections and humanity.  Perhaps we defend ourselves rather than just accept ourselves.    Sometimes we will be inconsiderate.   Sometimes we may even be intentionally hurtful.   All of these behaviors are part of being human.   When we can accept our imperfections, we can learn from our mistakes and know that this one misstep does not define who we are.     Holding compassion for ourselves when we make mistakes can help us accept responsibility for our actions, and allow us to understand the other person’s experience rather than focus on ourselves.     There will be time later to give our own explanations what happened and find a way to make amends.

So, as I consider all the parts that make an apology really effective, I see it as a four part process.   I think that these are the steps that I would include:

Offer an apology:   “I’m so sorry.”

Except blame for what happened:   “This was entirely my fault.”

Be empathetic:   “You’ve been inconvenienced and annoyed and I can see why.”

Make amends:   “How can I make this up to you.”

  

Keeping Your Cool When Kid's Lose Theirs, Part Three

My last two blogs have been about how to keep your cool in the moment when things are falling apart around you.    We all need quick techniques to help us restore our calm, when we know our stress is getting too high.   Yet, there’s another aspect to what makes us lose our cool and it’s about how our own childhood impacts our parenting.     Have you ever unexpectedly done something that was exactly like your mother or father did, and it is exactly the thing you swore you’d never do to your kids?  These unconscious actions leave us all aghast and ashamed because it is the exact opposite of how we intended to behave.   These unconscious reactions to our children mirror how we were treated in similar situations when we were young.   In order for us to act on our intentions, rather than be reactive, we need to bring more consciousness to these situations.    Here are some ideas and questions to ask yourself in a quiet moment when you have time to reflect.

Personal Inventory

Take some time and try to consider what kinds of situation is the most distressing for you.   Are there certain ones that are consistently hard?   What exactly do your children do or say that push your buttons?  Sometimes the things that drive us crazy have to do with emotions or behaviors that we were denied as children.   Check to see if this might be true for you.  

Think about the eight primary emotions: anger, fear, sadness, shame, love, happiness, surprise and disgust.   Were these equally allowed expression in your family?    Which ones were okay for you to express and which ones were taboo?   Are the ones you were denied hard to accept in your kids?    Probably so, and just knowing this will help you be more tolerant and provide a much wider spectrum of emotional expression for your kids.

Now, think about some of the family dynamics you grew up with.   Ask yourself what behaviors were frowned upon and you weren’t allowed to express.  For example, if you grew up in an authoritarian family and were not permitted to question adults, you might have trouble when your children question your rules.  Or maybe you grew up in a family where decorum and restraint were expected, and you’ll be uncomfortable when your kids are exuberant and noisy.   Or perhaps you were saddled with unrealistic expectations of perfection and get annoyed if your kid’s performance is less than stellar.  Maybe in your family, you were expected to be neat and tidy, so it will be hard when your kids are sloppy and messy.  Or you grew up in a family that demonstrated little affection and expected independence, and you’ll find it hard to be sympathetic when your children request hugs and need reassurance. 

All these scenarios provide challenges that reflect some difficult aspect from our own childhoods.   Often we’re not even aware of what they are, so just becoming more observant of which emotions and behaviors annoy us is an important first step.  This level of self awareness is the key to being less reactive and having more control in choosing how to respond.   This is not easy to do; it takes time and effort, so don’t be discouraged.   Get help when you need it.   We all get stuck in old patterns and need others to give us perspective.  Ask friends how they handle similar situations.  Keep a log and jot down difficult situations and a new response for each.  And if you’re still struggling with stubbornly entrenched habits, consider therapy.   We all have the ability to make different choices and be more in control of our life.     Aside from your own sense of empowerment, you’ll also be providing an example of calm control which your kids can model and use when they have children of their own.   How exciting to think of our power to undo old negative patterns from our childhood and offer something much more positive to our children.   

Keeping Your Cool When Kids Lose Theirs, Part Two

I’ve been thinking some more about those times when things are on the edge of chaos, and we’re expected to be in control.   It requires a great deal of self discipline in order for us to exercise calm in challenging situations.   We can’t always control the stressful experiences that come our way, but we can control how we respond to them.    Being in control, and resisting giving in to anger, yelling or blaming, will not only defuse the situation, but will also give you a powerful experience of your own competence.  You will also be providing a model for your children in how to exercise self control in tense situations.  Children learn by observing; when we model calm responses to our children they learn self control.

As important as this skill is, it takes time to develop, and there will be plenty of times when it’s just not possible.   Your attitude towards yourself in these moments is very important.   Here are some additional suggestions to help you get though those tough times:

Self Compassion

When you’re in one of those moments of being overwhelmed, and revert to less than desirable responses, forgive yourself.   There will be times when just too many things go wrong; or times when no matter what you do, nothing works.  Or times when you’re tired or getting sick and empathy is in short supply.  In these moments, let it be okay that you didn’t do better.   Parenting is hard work; children demand a lot of attention which often requires an inordinate amount of patience.  So be generous with yourself and accept your human imperfection.  Your commitment to work on self control is what matters, not your temporary mistakes.

 In his research, EdTronick, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist, found that parents fail to attune to their kids about 66% of the time.   Yet, when they provide quick apologies it actually helps builds resilience in their relationship.  How reassuring to know that we have a fair amount of latitude to make mistakes if we quickly make amends.  This is a YouTube of Dr. Tronick’s Still Face experiment which shows how disturbed infants get when parents are disengaged and then how quickly a repair can help them reengage. 

Breathing

When you’re feeling stressed, notice your breathe.  When we’re stressed we sometimes find ourselves breathing shallowly from our chest.   If you notice this, try to switch to belly breathing which comes from lower down in your diaphragm.    Slowly inhale through your nose, feeling the breath start in your abdomen and work its way to the top of your head.  Reverse the process as you exhale through your mouth. This is a quick way to calm the body.   There’s also an app called Breathe2Relax that can help walk you through belly breathing.   Deep breathing reduces the effects of stress by slowing the heart rate and lowering blood pressure.  Practice at times when you’re not under stress, so it becomes more reflexive.  Here’s an interesting article and NPR interview with an opera singer who had to relearn breathing. 

When it’s too hard to concentrate on belly breathing, exhale forcefully.  Do a number of long exhales.  Breathe in through your noise and then slowly exhale through your mouth.   Making noise with the exhale can also help release tension.    It might seem silly, but it helps.  Sometimes doing it out loud with your kids can change your energy as well as theirs.   You can pretend to be different animals, like a snake or lion, with the exhale.  

Remove Yourself

Sometimes when we’re feeling overwhelmed it’s just too hard to do anything productive.   In those times, remove yourself.   Pretend you need an emergency bathroom break and stay there until you feel calmer.   Or pretend you’ve forgotten a phone call you have to make and go into another room.   Call a friend and ask for help.   Moving away from the situation can give you some needed time to get perspective.   Or if you can’t leave, do something unexpected like jumping up and down or start singing loudly.   Be creative and do something to interrupt what’s happening.  Being physical can dissipate some of your stress and help you recover your balance.

Keeping Your Cool When Kids Lose Theirs

When kids are upset it’s easy for us to get upset as well.   Yet, it is exactly in these moments that we most need to be in charge so we can offer balance and calm.   It’s not an easy task.   In fact, it’s very hard.   It requires shifting our own upset state so we help our kids get back in control.  This is probably one of the most important things we do for our kids.   They rely on us to be in control when they’re out of control.  I heard someone mention a saying that goes something like this: “kids need our love when they’re the most unlovable.”   It seems so true.   Yet it’s also when we might feel less like helping them.   It taxes our patience and requires us to not act out in anger or frustration.  In fact, it asks us to be at our best, i.e., to stay grounded and calm.  

Think of a time when you’ve been overwrought.  Then remember who helped you, and how comforting it was to have them stay supportive and ride out your emotional storm with you.    Being that loving supportive person is the best way for us to help our children restore their sense of balance.  It requires, though, a special watchfulness over our own levels of upset and  to be able to move into a more positive space.   To facilitate this shift you’ll need to be conscious of what’s happening to you in your body, your emotions and your thoughts.  Here are some techniques I’ve used in my EMDR ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) practice that you might find helpful.   

Notice your body

How do you know you’re getting ramped up?   What happens in your body?   Do you feel a knot in your stomach?   Do you feel tightness in your neck and shoulders? Does your voice get shrill?   Learn your body’s unique signs of growing tension.    Take a moment to breathe deeply and slow down.   Consider using the Lightstream Technique to restore calm to your body.  Imagine a healing light seeping through the top of your head.   This light can be whatever color you associate with healing.  Let the light slowly move through your body, starting at your head and going down to your toes.   Imagine this light melting all your tension and relaxing your muscles.  Let the light direct itself to wherever you still have tightness. Imagine this light continuing to expand and calm your entire body.   Continue to breathe in calm, healing light, and to exhale tension.  Stay with this image until you are comfortable and your body is at ease.  

Notice your emotions

What emotions are you feeling?   Are you angry?   Is your authority being challenged?   Are you about to engage in a power struggle?   Are you sad and feeling defeated?   Are you feeling unloved and taken advantage of?   Just give yourself a moment to realize what you’re feeling.   Whatever the emotion, it’s okay; we all get pushed to the edge sometimes, which can cause us to feel negative emotions.   Maybe the Spiral Technique can help you shift the emotion.   Imagine the emotion you’re feeling as energy.   If this emotion were a spiral of energy, which direction would it be going, clockwise or counterclockwise?   In your mind’s eye watch this energy moving; then see if you can gently change the direction of the spiral.  Notice if you feel the negative energy dissipating.  If one direction doesn’t work, try the other one.

Notice your thinking

Are you thinking your children are doing this on purpose to annoy you?   Are you blaming them?  Do you think they should be able to handle this on their own?  Do you think they’re being childish, overly emotional, or defiant?   Being able to notice your negative thoughts will help you see that something’s out of balance.   Try guided imagery to gain perspective.   Use the Safe Place Technique.  Think of a calm scene where you are happy and peaceful.   Visualize the scene in as much detail as you can remember.   Bring up the sensations that go with that place.   Notice any colors, smells, and anything else that’s pleasant.  Notice how you’re feeling and identify a single word that would go along with this feeling.   Repeat the word while you imagine the scene and allow yourself to merge with the scene.   

Notice when you start to feel calmer and there’s a shift in your energy.

Being able to be the adult in charge means finding a way to calm your body, shift to more compassionate feelings and engage in more positive thoughts.   Children do push the limits; but it’s important to remember that they are also developmentally driven to explore and test their power.   They also have less control over their emotions, and a less developed brain to think things through.  They need you to help them manage their emotions, keep perspective and restore calm.  Most importantly they need your loving presence and calm authority.