A Complete Apology

My last blog was on apologies.  I thought I had found an effective formula for making a sincere apology, but I'm reconsidering my formula based on a blog I've just read.  It adds an aspect to apologies that I hadn't fully considered.   

At a teacher's training, blogger Jo Ellen was taught an approach to apologies that includes having the offending party consider why their behavior was wrong and how they'd change it in the future. I think this is an important expansion to the idea of apologies. My formulas for apologies focused on showing empathy to the person who was offended, but I think asking the offender to consider their own behavior is equally important.  Too often we say “we're sorry” automatically without truly considering how our behavior was out of line. When we have to think about our misbehavior, we articulate to ourselves what social norms we've crossed. We can't engage in excuses or blame someone else. This self reflection is not easy, and can make us uncomfortable or even ashamed, but perhaps this discomfort is needed to motivate us to change and consider new ways of acting in the future. 

So, what would adding this element to the example in my original blog look like? In my example, the offender is 15 minutes late for an appointment. The extended apology might sound something like this:    

“I'm sorry that I kept you waiting for 15 minutes. This is wrong because it annoyed and    inconvenienced you. I was not realistic about my schedule and being late is something I need to examine. In the future, I will not schedule things with you if I can't be on time. "

This is fully taking responsibility for behavior that has been hurtful. It articulates why it was wrong and what changes can be expected in the future.   

Jo Ellen also has a step that requests forgiveness: “Will you forgive me?” While I have a step that is about making amends, “How can I make this up to you?” I think that formally asking for forgiveness is important.  It's slightly different from making amends and should precede making amends.  Making this request gives the offended party the opportunity to choose whether or not to forgive. Whether the relationship is restored is now in their hands and it reverses the earlier power dynamics. Now the offender is vulnerable and dependent on the offended party's response.  Perhaps it equalizes things; perhaps this new balance creates the possibility of repair to their relationship.     

I have wondered if the step of making amends is necessary. It would seem that if you forgive someone, you do it without conditions. You accept that they are sorry for what they've done, they have understood the impact on you and will make changes in their behavior in the future. This sounds pretty thorough, but perhaps making amends allows an additional opportunity to check for any lingering feelings of resentment. What if the apology, while complete and sincere, doesn’t feel equal to the offense? Or what if this has been a repeated offense and only now is being truthfully addressed?  In either case, something more might be needed. 

Adding amends then makes sense. It might act as a safeguard to assure that things really feel resolved for both parties. If things feel resolved the offended party would just assert that they don't need anything else to happen.Yet, if something else is needed, an additional act might make the difference. In my example, maybe being late was a frequent offense, so agreeing to do some service would indicate a serious commitment to change. A repair act might be paying for dessert or arranging an outing to the movies, or performing some chore, etc. It will be unique for each person, but hopefully it will be a reasonable request that acts to equalize things and restore the prior friendship.

While these new elaborations might seem cumbersome, hopefully their thoroughness can best reduce resentment and get relationships back on tract. Below is my new formula for giving a complete apology.

1.APOLOGIZE AND ACCEPT BLAME

“ This was my fault and I'm sorry for ... 

   a. Be specific - being late, calling you names, not telling the truth  

2. EXPLAIN WHY YOUR BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG.

“This is wrong because.......

 a. Describe how your behavior was misguided 

 b. Describe how it hurt the other person    

“I keep you waiting and wasn't thinking of you. You were inconvenienced and made to feel unimportant.”

“I was unkind and called you names. I didn't act like a friend and it hurt your feelings. “

“I told a lie and acted like I didn't do something when I did. You told the truth and got punished and I didn't.”

3.IN THE FUTURE, I WILL...

 a. Emphasize what you will do differently in the future. Not what you won't do

“I'll watch the time and I won't be late when we've scheduled a time to get together.”

“I will keep my mean words to myself until I've calmed down.”

“I will tell the truth even when I'm afraid of the punishment.”

4.WILL YOU FORGIVE ME?

5. MAKE AMENDS.

“ How can I make this up to you?”

Here is Jo Ellen’s blog “A Better Way to Say Sorry” 

What’s a Real Apology?

I’ve recently been thinking about how we give and receive apologies and why sometimes an apology doesn’t seem to take.  Recently, I was working with someone who was the recipient of some unexpectedly nasty comments.   He decided to confront his friend about this and, while his friend apologized quickly, he also gave multiple excuses for his behavior.   It was clear to my client that the apology was insincere.   It felt hollow and rather than leaving him feeling better, it left him discontent.  

Why was he still feeling dissatisfied?   I think it was because he felt the person didn’t really mean it.  When someone recounts all the reasons why they did something, it feels as if they are trying to excuse their behavior, rather than take responsibility for it.    It seems that accepting what you’ve done, no matter what the extenuating circumstances, is an import component of an effective apology.   It takes courage to accept the reality of our hurtful behavior, and not make excuses in order to defend ourselves.   We want others to have a positive image of us and we don’t like to think of ourselves as thoughtless.   Yet, to truly apologize we have to tolerate our own distress, and without excuses, admit that we were at fault.

Aside from our total honesty in admitting fault, I think there is another important aspect to apologizing. It involves acknowledging how our behavior has affected the other person and being able to see the situation from their point of view. 

Let’s say you’re 15 minutes late to meet your friend for lunch.  Then just as you were leaving, you had to take an important call that couldn’t wait.   So, instead of explaining what happened to make you late, you first describe how your friend might have felt.  What were her thoughts and feelings as she was left waiting for you to arrive?    Here are some possible statements that would indicate you understood her experience:

 “Oh my gosh, I’ve left you sitting here for 15 minutes and you must have been concerned about where I was.   That’s a miserable feeling not knowing if I was coming or not. “   

“You didn’t get a text or anything to let you know that I was detained.  I know, I don’t like it when someone does that to me.    It makes me uncertain and even makes me wonder if I’ve gotten the meeting time wrong.” 

“I suspect it also might have made you feel that you’re not all that important to me.   I want you to know I was especially looking forward to our meeting and value our friendship.  I’m really annoyed with myself for having messed things up.  Will you accept my apology?”

Being addressed empathetically allows the other person to know their emotions are being seen as important, and that you are aware of the consequences of your action.  No matter why we’ve upset someone, if we first acknowledge their experience we are letting them know that we care about them.  I think this is the healing part of an apology    At least for me, when I have received an apology that speaks to my experience, I feel that my hurt has been taken care of and that my heart is open again.

I only we all could remember to do this simple step of taking another’s point of view before trying to defend our behavior.  Validating the other person’s experience would, I believe, avoid a lot of unintended hurt.   To do this, I think we need to have a pause to stop our automatic defense of ourselves, and to instead accept our imperfections and humanity.  Perhaps we defend ourselves rather than just accept ourselves.    Sometimes we will be inconsiderate.   Sometimes we may even be intentionally hurtful.   All of these behaviors are part of being human.   When we can accept our imperfections, we can learn from our mistakes and know that this one misstep does not define who we are.     Holding compassion for ourselves when we make mistakes can help us accept responsibility for our actions, and allow us to understand the other person’s experience rather than focus on ourselves.     There will be time later to give our own explanations what happened and find a way to make amends.

So, as I consider all the parts that make an apology really effective, I see it as a four part process.   I think that these are the steps that I would include:

Offer an apology:   “I’m so sorry.”

Except blame for what happened:   “This was entirely my fault.”

Be empathetic:   “You’ve been inconvenienced and annoyed and I can see why.”

Make amends:   “How can I make this up to you.”

  

Guest Blog-Parents and Apologies, By Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPPC.

I’m really pleased to announce my guest blogger, Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPPC of Sixty Second Parent.  Ellen’s blog, “Parents and Apologies,” helps us understand why it’s important to apologize to our children when we’ve been wrong, overreacted or have been unreasonable.   Sometimes we hesitate because we don’t want to weaken our authority.  Or perhaps, we’re ashamed and don’t want to admit it.   Or maybe we believe that it will be forgotten and we won’t have to do anything.  But whatever the reason for our hesitation, we need to think twice about not apologizing.   I believe not owning up to our mistakes makes things worse, not better.  Can’t we all remember childhood hurts that still feel vivid?  They stick with us because they angered us and seemed unfair.   What was needed in those situations is exactly what Ellen talks about, sincere apology and restoring trust in the parent-child relationship.

Parents and Apologies

It is a special strength of a self-confident parent to admit mistakes, and the acknowledgment of occasional shortcomings affirms our humanity to our children.  Genuinely admitting our lack of perfection allows our children to understand that the standard for proper behavior is not error-free living, but rather learning to live responsibly in community with others.  Many people will use the term “sorry” loosely; but when you are wrong or have wronged another, genuinely saying “I’m sorry” is hard work.  Parents are the most important role models for their children.  Consequently, admitting mistakes and apologizing are behaviors that need to be modeled. 

We are not perfect!!!  It is OK to be human.  We were not meant to be perfect; and if we appear to be perfect to our children, we instill in them a tremendous pressure to strive for an unreasonable and impossible standard.  Alternatively, when we insist that we are right, and our children know that we are not, we lose trust and respect.  Apologizing for mistakes teaches our children to accept responsibility for their behaviors and to seek reconciliation.  Power struggles within families can often be defused with a genuine apology.

When apologizing to your children:

·          Be genuine.  The most important thing about apologies is the genuineness by which they are given.

·          Don’t use apologies to make your point.  “I was wrong, BUT …” is no apology. 

·          Connect emotionally.  Apologies give us the opportunity to connect with the other person on an emotional level and therefore must be given in the right context.  If you are feeling angry or hurt, wait until you can be tuned into your kids and open to their feelings.

·          Communicate your words in an appropriate manner.  The words used are not as important as the way in which they are stated.  The words themselves can be as simple as “I’m sorry, I was wrong”.  I tell my kids that I am not a perfect parent; nevertheless I am the parent God chose for them, and I will try to do my best for them.

·         Value the relationship.  It is part of our relationship as family to admit our wrongs, just as we celebrate with each other our gifts and successes.

Remember that our forgiveness in response to our child’s apology, the other side of this “coin”, is an equally important behavior to model to our children.

By Ellen D. Begley, RN, NCC, LPC for www.sixtysecondparent.com - Ellen is a registered nurse as well as a licensed and national board certified counselor. She has a private practice that serves children ages 2 to 18 and has over 18 years of experience counseling children and educating parents.