Help Kids Manage Frustrations

When we’re young we have no patience; we are governed by our impulses. How, then, do we learn to tame our impulses and develop self control? When a small child reaches his hand toward fire, an adult yells and prevents it. When he wants to poke a stick into an electric socket, someone stops him. A toddler sees his friend’s shinny red truck and grabs it. It’s appealing and he wants it. His friend yells no or an adult stops him, but his natural exploring instinct pushes him. He doesn’t like being denied. Yet, it is these small incidents of being stopped by external forces that help us learn to stop ourselves.  

We slowly learn ways to tolerate this disruption of our desire.  In his book Emotional Intelligence, Dan Goleman, says, “There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental, than resisting impulse.  It is the root of all emotional self control, since all emotions, by their very nature lead to one or another impulse to act.  The root meaning of the word emotion, remember is “to move …” Goleman then talks about a study done at Stanford University in the 60’s: the marshmallow challenge. In the challenge, a group of four year olds are given two choices.  If they can wait while the experimenter runs an errand they can have two marshmallows; if they can’t wait they can only have one, which they can have immediately. Some four year olds were able to wait the 15 to 20 minutes the experimenter was out of the room.  They chose a variety of strategies to calm and distract themselves.  They turned their chairs around or covered their eyes to avoid seeing the tempting marshmallow; they sang, played games with their hands and feet and even tried to sleep.  The other more impulsive four year olds grabbed the marshmallow within seconds of the experimenter’s departure.   

The amount of impulse control a child exhibited during this marshmallow challenge turned out to predict how well these kids were doing 14 years later. The kids who exercised strategies to successfully distract themselves were more popular with their peers, had less trouble delaying gratification and scored far higher on achievement tests than the “grabbers.” Since there are so many benefits to learning to not be “grabbers” how do we help our children learn this skill? 

Name the Emotion

Sometimes when children are stressed, they won’t know what emotion they’re feeling. Often children have vague categories of good, bad, or so-so.  You can help them to be more discriminating and able to name what they’re feeling. You can say: “I see you’re angry about having to share some of your toys,” or “ I see you’re sad because you don’t think I’ve understood you.  Can we try again?   I’d really like to know what you’re feeling right now.”  Expressing feelings is one way to dissipate stress.  Research has shown that just naming a feeling helps us feel calmer.  

Offer Encouragement

It is helpful for parents to notice their children’s attempts at managing frustrations and offer encouraging words. When a child is about to give up on something, you can say: “It’s hard, but you can do it.”   Or, when you know an unpleasant chore is being done without a lot of fuss you can say, “You really didn’t want to do that, but you did it anyway.  Way to go!” It helps children to believe in themselves and in their ability to persevere when we see their effort.  

  

Allow Manageable Experiences of Frustration

Don’t try to protect your children from all frustration. It is the experience of small doses of frustration that build character and inner strength. The old rule of  “not too much and not too little” applies here.  When we protect children from all frustration we rob them of the challenge to become more competent in managing their own stress. We also don’t want them to manage frustrations that are truly beyond their developmental ability. This leads not only to frustrations, but to an internal belief system that they are not competent. 

Life is full of frustrations like the marshmallow test. We need to help our children face these ordinary life disappointments and help them develop emotional flexibility. This fundamental ability to tolerate frustration once learned will help them move from upset to calm with increased ease, self control and self awareness. 

New Moon Girls Magazine Guest Article

Life Lessons from the Cornish, NH Fair

I spent a week in Lyme, NH. In the Lyme General Store I spied a brochure for the Cornish Fair.  Cornish, NH wasn’t that far away, and a small rural fair seemed like fun, so I was intrigued. 

When we got there I learned that the Cornish Fair celebrates the farming traditions of the community. We saw the oxen pulling contest and the woodsman sawing competition, but we missed the antique tractor pull and the sheep blocking and trimming. There were lots of 4-H exhibits, where the kids were showing off the animals they had raised and trained.  When they weren’t showing they were lounging all over these animals.  Their attachment and comfort with them was so evident, it was touching.  They were clearly learning important life lessons about being caring, committed and reliable. 

In a totally surprising way, I found another example of how these kids were learning life lessons. Up the hill from the fair grounds, in the local school, were all the exhibits for produce, and prepared food--think jams, pickles, dilly beans, cakes and pies--as well as beautiful hand-sewn quilts.  Walking through the hall of the school, I came across an essay on a classroom door.  Unlike all the farm focus, this was an essay on art. It’s how a student, Shawn Costello, learned important life lessons through art.  It’s exceptionally thoughtful and I had to share it.

Go On Vacation, It’s Good For your Health

As I’m getting ready to go on vacation, I’m thinking about all the positive things that accompany this time off.  I find it exciting to just have a break in my routine.  Routines can be comforting and predictable, but they can also become rigid and boring.   One of my friends has a simple definition of vacation: No Chores.  I think it is this absence of chores that frees up energy and opens us up to adventure and new experiences.   It allows me to be more in the moment.   I become more attentive and curious about my surroundings. I day dream and find a better balance between activity and rest.  

Often we don’t even know how much we’ve been pushing ourselves, how much we’ve ignored our body’s messages to slow down.   Or how much we’ve denied ourselves downtime and find instead some project that has to be finished.  I’m often surprised at how tired I feel the first few days of vacation.   My body seems to be telling me that it has needed rest for some time and it now intends to take it.

Vacations provide me with an excuse to unplug. I loosen the obsessive pull to check messages and return phone calls.   I take a holiday from the news.  I reengage in things I love, like photography.   I sharpen my sense of perception and see the beauty around me.

One year when I lived in Italy I was introduced to the European tradition of taking the month of August off.   I was shocked.   Taking an entire month off for vacation seemed extravagant. Then as I considered this more, it seemed not strange, but the epitome of sanity. Americans not only don’t take this much time off, our work ethic seems to push us in the opposite direction.  Sociologist say we work longer hours, take fewer vacation days and retire later than workers in other industrialized countries. 

 Can this propensity to shoulder on, to skip vacations or take work with us while on vacation, be healthy?   Some recent studies are showing the dangers of ignoring the need for downtime. 

A study by the time share company RCI found that "Women who took a vacation at least twice a year had a 50 percent lower chance of developing coronary heart disease than women who took a vacation once every six years or less. For men, taking more frequent annual vacations reduced the relative risk of dying of heart disease by almost 30 percent.”

Certainly this information tells us something important about finding balance between work and play.   We sleep at night so our bodies have time to rest, rebuild, and repair.  Our psyche needs the same.   Vacations offer us that opportunity.  They allow us to reduce stress and engage in experiences we find pleasurable.   They elicit playfulness and provide the leisure to dream and imagine.   If this all seems frivolous just remember that Albert Einstein was almost kicked out of college for daydreaming.  He maintained that he discovered the theory of relativity by gazing at sunbeams and fantasizing about what it would be like to ride on them into the universe.

“When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the flight of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge.”

Albert Einstein

"Before Midnight" and Relationship Dynamics

I’ve just come back from seeing “Before Midnight”.  I haven’t seen Linklater’s two earlier movies that make up the trilogy.  I found this one a bit heavy and it reminded me a lot of Ingmar Bergman’s  “Scenes from a Marriage." Both are portraits of marital stress with intense dialogues and close ups that verge on being claustrophobic. I often wanted the camera to pan out to give Jesse and Celine and me more space. Mainly, I wanted Celine and Jesse to stop talking.  These were tired old arguments.  While I respect Linklater’s attempt to dissect the tensions in this couple, it felt too didactic, and sometimes contrived.  He did, though, cover a slew of relevant issues: gender stereotypes, work-career issues, cultural differences, parenting obligations, blended families, marital fidelity, attraction, sex and aging.  

Perhaps because I see couples in distress, I desperately wanted to slow this couple down and ask them to talk less and listen more.  As someone interested in emotions, I wanted them to notice the feelings behind the words.  When we get so caught up in the content of what we’re saying we don’t listen for the feelings beneath the words.   We especially don’t slow ourselves down enough to hold our opinions in check and really hear what the other person is trying to communicate. 

 I was particularly struck with how this movie-long argument began and how it might have been avoided.  In couples, I don’t think any one person is to blame.   I see couples as part of a system, yet just looking at the movie’s beginning scene, I suspect if Celine had simply been able to empathize with Jesse’s sense of sadness things would have gone differently.  Jesse was separating from his son, Hank, who only visits in the summer, and he was feeling the loss.  

Separation is hard for everyone and Hank is someone Jesse cares about deeply.  Sometimes, as it is in this case, the disconnection is especially difficult.   Jesse not only feels the sadness, but it’s accompanied by the sense that he hasn’t spent enough time with his son.    He worries that as Hank gets older he might be needed more, and that he won’t be around to do the things dad’s are supposed to do with their sons.   

I wish Celine could have reacted differently to Jesse’s sense of distress.  I just wanted her to let him have his sadness and regret without her being triggered to say or do anything.  Sometimes we’re called upon to just listen and be empathetic.   All of us know times when we wish we had been available to someone whom we love, and weren’t.  We don’t want to let down people we love.  It’s what Jesse was feeling and trying to express when he came up with the option of moving to America to be close to Hank. 

 

That obviously elicited fear in Celine.  If I had been sitting with them, I would have asked Celine to hold her concerns for a moment and just let Jesse talk about this idea.  I know this would have been hard for her.   It is hard to be quiet when you feel something so strongly, like how this suggested move might change her whole life.   But if Celine could have been less reactive she might not have gone to the extreme of predicting the end of the relationship.   She has some past history to guide her.   She’s seen Jesse in this emotional space before.   She, in fact, comments on it.    At one level she knows he is still processing his feelings of loss and powerlessness.    We don’t know where things might have gotten if Jesse could have fully discussed everything he was feeling.   Maybe he would have needed to talk more of possible solutions or maybe if he had felt permission to just be sad for a while, the feelings would have  dissipated on their own.   Then maybe Celine might have been able to take a turn and talk about her relationship with Hank, and how it was hard at first and how that’s changed:  how they’ve become closer and it’s a loss for her as well.  She and Jesse could have shared this feeling.   And then she could have shared how threatening the idea of moving felt for her and how it jeopardized their original agreement to live in Paris.   A calmer more productive discussion could have occurred.  Unfortunately, everything got derailed as soon as Celine’s fear took hold and she was no longer able to see how Jesse was caught in his feelings.   She saw it briefly, but as soon as she lost sight of this and her own fear took hold we’re in an endless loop of argument- counter argument; threat-counter threat--in other words, we’re lost.  

It is Jesse and Celine’s inherent caring and commitment to one another, as well as their wonderful playfulness, that save the day.  Being able to have fun, to be goofy and use humor to defuse tense situations allow them to come back together.    Even through their argument are sometimes mean-spirited and harsh, they are still able to repair and recover.   As much as I would have loved them to have avoided arguing, it’s important to note their desire to move back toward one another and to remember that in relationships the ability to repair ruptures is an important skill to cultivate and use.

Emotions After Divorce

This post was originally featured as part of Peggy's guest blogging at Huffington Post Divorce.

Divorce creates challenges for everyone in the family. It involves loss and significant change. It can create uncertainty and stress. At times like this, there is often less emotional flexibility and more emotional reactivity. Anxiety or exaggerated fears should be expected. They're a normal part of managing changes that might not be welcome. Things will be forever changed; giving kids time to talk about what's happening will decrease anxiety and ease their adjustment. As parents it's normal to feel guilt and lost on how to help your children cope, but I've listed out some way that can certainly help ease the big transition. 

Reassure children they are not to blame

Children often worry that divorce might in some way be their fault. Kids are concrete thinkers and they can imagine specific misbehaviors that might have contributed to the divorce: "You left because you got sick of telling me to put away my bike." That kind of distorted thinking is a heavy burden. You'll want to dispel it right away. Children need to know that you are separating as a result of your relationship with your spouse, not your relationship with them. You can say something like: "Nothing you said or did made this happen;" or "You did not make mom/dad go away;" or "This happened because of adult problems between us that have nothing to do with anything you said or did."

Assure them you will not leave them

Children sometimes worry that if one parent can leave, the other one might also leave. All children fear abandonment. They are vulnerable and they know they need parents. Fairy tales are full of all the themes of young children's vulnerability: being kidnapped; being lost and alone; being tricked by a wicked witch; or preyed upon by hungry wolves. The parent-child bond is what offers them security, and keeps their world safe. It is also most needed when changes, like divorce, leave children feeling insecure. While adults might choose to leave a marriage, children cannot choose to not be attached--it's a biological imperative. When I worked in foster care it always amazed me what tenacious loyalty children had to even the most abusive and neglectful parents. So, reassure them that both their parents are committed to taking care of them.

Reaffirm their Specialness

Another way to support children and allay anxiety is to reinforce their importance to you. Children know when parents are emotionally unavailable, which might cause them to worry about whether they're really all that important to you. So being fully present and sharing why you think they're special can reinforce their sense of worthiness. Make a point to comment on the things you truly find special about them: "You give the best hugs;" "You take such good care of Fluffy;" or "You know how to be a really a good friend." Hearing positive traits is not only affirming, but also can reassure them that they are special to you and that you know exactly what makes them unique.

Expect Unpredictable Behavior

Children can exhibit anxious behavior in a number of different ways. One common way is by reverting back to younger forms of behavior. For example, you might find your child having trouble getting to sleep, being clingier or less able to be alone with the babysitter. Anxiety will also be expressed by less consistent behavior. A child you could rely on to be well- behaved might instead be rude or aggressive. Or an outgoing child might become reserved and aloof. For all of us, stress alters our normal behavior. With your patience, and without making them feel guilty, these behaviors will resolve. Anxiety might also cause children to express their concerns in extreme ways and anticipate the worst outcomes: "I'll never be happy again;" "You'll move away and I'll never see you again." Resist the temptation to immediately correct their exaggerations. Later, after all the feelings are expressed, they will be better able to hear a more realistic perspective and to engage in problem solving.

Be A Detective

Sometimes children won't be able to name what they're feeling. They might feel confused or have more than one feeling at a time. When you detect an unexpressed feeling you might need to express it for them: "You don't look happy about being here tonight. I think you're mad that you weren't allowed to stay with your Dad. "Or, "I wonder if you're trying to be brave, but you're feeling kind of scared about sleeping in your new room."

Check to see that your children are feeling comfortable talking with you about their feelings. Children are keen observers so they might hesitate to share their feelings if they believe they're adding more stress to your life. You can reassure them that even when you're preoccupied they're still a priority in your life and you'll always want to know how they feel.

Being present and attentive to your children's emotions and mood will go a long way towards helping them move through the transitions that divorce brings. It's important to remember that children often have had little choice about what's happening to them, so helping them to understand what emotions they are feeling is imperative. They may feel hopeless about events, and will have reactions and feelings that they need to express. By encouraging the sharing of their feelings you can help them move with more resilience through a difficult time.