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For many of us identifying and expressing emotions does not come
easily. And for kids it's sometimes even more difficult. Young kids, while
expressive and full of drama, often don't actually know what they are feeling.
They might be able to tell us they feel "good" or 'bad," yet are
unable to name the specific emotion they're experiencing.
This fuzziness about how we're feeling is not an uncommon
experience for most of us. We might be aware that we're tense and restless, yet
confused because we can't identify the emotion we're feeling. Often we'll
remain puzzled until we can identify the event that's caused our distress. Then
we are able to link that experience with how we're feeling. We remember, for
example, how a friend seemed impatient and short with us, or that our brother
didn't call to wish us happy birthday. Once we understand what's happened, our
unease and tension make sense and we can label what we've been feeling as
sadness or anger. Sometimes, though, we can't figure out what's bothering us
and it takes another person's observations of us to help us to label the
emotion we've been acting out. Luckily we are all wired to recognize emotions
in others.
When our kids are unaware of their
feelings, we can offer them similar help. We can notice and reflect back to
them the emotion we're seeing in their behavior. For example, you might say: "I
see you're frowning and sound annoyed. I wonder if that means you're mad?"
or," I see you skipping with a big smile; did something happen to make you
happy?" Perhaps your son's best friend moved away and you might comment,
"I'm noticing that you've been very quiet and hanging out in your room a
lot. Do you think it's because you're feeling lonely and sad?" Or maybe
your daughter is reacting to a movie that frightened her and you could say,
"I notice you've been staying close to me and seem uneasy, I wonder if
that movie's still on your mind and scaring you?" When we comment like
this we help our children make sense of their experiences, name their emotions
and develop self-awareness.
Our comments also provide reassurance that
their emotions are okay and can be expressed. Kids are comforted knowing that
we're on their side and available. This encourages them to open up and share
their feelings. Being able to talk to a caring adult, rather than hold emotions
in, will help emotions dissipate. Otherwise, emotions fester and grow and come
out in unexpected ways. Noticing emotions as they happen helps avoid this problem, and
instead provides the necessary release for pent up energy. When we encourage
expression and open up discussion, kids will know their emotions are safe to
talk about.
Children are in the process of learning
about controlling their impulses, tolerating frustrations and making good choices.
Our loving presence and receptivity to their emotions helps foster their ability
to learn self-control and appropriate behavior. As you practice helping your
children identify their emotions, you might find my book, “Yell and Shout, Cry
and Pout, A Kid's Guide to Feelings,” helpful. In it, I've outlined our eight
primary emotions, and discuss their purpose and the common situations that
trigger them. The book is also a great jumping off point for talking about the
many ways your children have already experienced these emotions in their lives.
You might be surprised by what you learn.
