I’ve been thinking some more about those times when things
are on the edge of chaos, and we’re expected to be in control. It requires a great deal of self discipline in
order for us to exercise calm in challenging situations. We can’t always control the stressful
experiences that come our way, but we can control how we respond to them. Being
in control, and resisting giving in to anger, yelling or blaming, will not only
defuse the situation, but will also give you a powerful experience of your own
competence. You will also be providing a
model for your children in how to exercise self control in tense situations. Children learn by observing; when we model
calm responses to our children they learn self control.
As important as this skill is, it takes time to develop, and
there will be plenty of times when it’s just not possible. Your attitude towards yourself in these
moments is very important. Here are
some additional suggestions to help you get though those tough times:
Self Compassion
When you’re in one of those moments of being overwhelmed, and
revert to less than desirable responses, forgive yourself. There will be times when just too many
things go wrong; or times when no matter what you do, nothing works. Or times when you’re tired or getting sick and
empathy is in short supply. In these
moments, let it be okay that you didn’t do better. Parenting is hard work; children demand a
lot of attention which often requires an inordinate amount of patience. So be generous with yourself and accept your
human imperfection. Your commitment to
work on self control is what matters, not your temporary mistakes.
In his research, EdTronick, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist, found that parents fail to attune to their kids about
66% of the time. Yet, when they provide quick apologies it
actually helps builds resilience in their relationship. How reassuring to know that we have a fair
amount of latitude to make mistakes if we quickly make amends. This is a YouTube of Dr. Tronick’s Still Face experiment which shows how disturbed infants get
when parents are disengaged and then how quickly a repair can help them reengage.
Breathing
When you’re feeling stressed, notice your breathe. When we’re stressed we sometimes find
ourselves breathing shallowly from our chest.
If you notice this, try to switch to belly breathing which comes from
lower down in your diaphragm. Slowly
inhale through your nose, feeling the breath start in your abdomen and work its
way to the top of your head. Reverse the
process as you exhale through your mouth. This is a quick way to calm the
body. There’s also an app called
Breathe2Relax that can help walk you through belly breathing. Deep breathing reduces the effects of stress
by slowing the heart rate and lowering blood pressure. Practice at times when you’re not under
stress, so it becomes more reflexive.
Here’s an interesting article and NPR interview with an opera singer who
had to relearn breathing.
When it’s too hard to concentrate on belly breathing, exhale
forcefully. Do a number of long
exhales. Breathe in through your noise
and then slowly exhale through your mouth.
Making noise with the exhale can
also help release tension. It might
seem silly, but it helps. Sometimes
doing it out loud with your kids can change your energy as well as theirs. You can pretend to be different animals,
like a snake or lion, with the exhale.
Remove Yourself
Sometimes when we’re feeling overwhelmed it’s just too hard
to do anything productive. In those
times, remove yourself. Pretend you
need an emergency bathroom break and stay there until you feel calmer. Or pretend
you’ve forgotten a phone call you have to make and go into another room. Call a friend and ask for help. Moving away from the situation can give you
some needed time to get perspective. Or
if you can’t leave, do something unexpected like jumping up and down or start
singing loudly. Be creative and do
something to interrupt what’s happening.
Being physical can dissipate some of your stress and help you recover
your balance.
