The Difficulty in Listening to Ourselves

The alarm sounded, and I punched snooze. It sounded again, and again, I punched snooze. This was the morning for my art class, and I was struggling about whether to go. I had signed up hoping to see if I might learn to draw, but the class was a formal introduction to the fundamentals of drawing. It wasn’t the fun I had envisioned. It had been instructive though, and drawing was much harder than I thought. I was learning about proportion, perspective, the subtly of shading, and the bending of direct reality to appear more realistic. Fascinating new ideas had been shared and a greater understanding of an artist's craft had emerged. All this new knowledge would certainly make me a more discriminating viewer, but it wasn’t why I had signed up. I signed up because I sensed the need for more play and fun in my life.

Image Credit: Personal Excellence

So, as I woke up this morning, it was the ambivalence of whether to attend that popped up. I was aware that I wasn’t excited nor inclined to go. Yet, doubt and evaluative thoughts crept in to counter that decision. After all, I had paid for this class, so wasn’t it a waste not go? Certainly there was more information to learn, and I’d miss not getting more instruction. And shouldn’t one stick to what one set out to do? Nonetheless, it was hard to fool myself because on a scale of 1-10, I was hardly even at a 2.   

So, why was I even struggling? Why were these admonishments cajoling me into attendance? It seemed obvious that I didn’t really feel committed and didn’t want to go. Yet, I kept observing how strongly a part of me, that thinking part of my brain, was trying to outfox the feeling part. A lot of effort was going on, just to keep me out of touch with my deeper desire. How easy it is to walk away from that feeling part and do the practical thing. So how do we counter act this? How do we give equal weight to the things we genuinely want to do, rather than the things we think we should do? 

Of course, this decision to go or not go to an art class, is trivial, but it represents the effort required to stay true to our deepest desires and to make space for them. It’s important to say no to the things that are not giving us pleasure. The daily obligations of living: returning that phone call, balancing the check book, picking up the laundry. These things will always be there, but how do we not let those responsibilities take over and block out the things that give us genuine pleasure?

So, I paused and asked myself, "What decision would bring me the most pleasure?" It came with ease. I had always known, but had trouble listening. When I made the decision, I felt a freedom. A space opened up for a new choice. I could go for a walk or spend time on that writing project I was eager to start. I chose to make tea and start the writing project, and I felt content. How often do we deny ourselves these simple choices that can make us happy? I think we fear that we’ll become slothful, indulgent and become irresponsible. Yet, I find the opposite to be true. When I honor my needs, and act on them, I’m more energetic and less resentful of the time needed to do the less pleasant things throughout the day. When you make a conscious decision to nurture yourself, you’re staying true to your feelings. When you listen to your heart, your heart will always make you a priority.

Why It's Important For Men To Show Emotions

“Our emotions need to be as educated as our intellect. It is important to know how to feel, how to respond, and how to let life in so that it can touch you.”  Jim Rohn

Image Credit: The Daily Telegraph

I’ve seen a number of men recently who have unresolved old traumas, but they don’t know it. The male culture of hiding your feelings in order to “man up” have kept those memories out of awareness.    I’m really beginning to dislike that phrase. It’s a disservice for two reasons. 

1. It doesn’t allow men the natural response to upsetting experiences.
2. It labels those who do allow their feelings to emerge (like women) as weak.   

But emotions are not gendered; they are common to all of us. There is no category of weak or strong, good or bad. Feelings just are. They are the product of our human evolution. They help us to quickly read a situation and know what’s happening. They are information. Each feeling has a purpose and guides us in a different way. Learning to understand our feelings helps us meet life’s challenges more successfully.

Without our emotions we can’t properly assess situations. We are only seeing half the picture. It’s as if we’ve chosen to give up one of our senses. No one would willingly give up sight, or hearing, yet we ask men to give up their feelings and make women feel bad for having them. For the men I’ve been seeing, they have to shut down and deny the reality of their experiences, as if closing off one of their senses. It takes energy to suppress feelings and close your heart. It also has consequences. It means being blind to serious pain and loss, having a deep hurt untended. It is only when they can feel and be compassionate with themselves that they can heal. This form of suffering is culturally bound.   Men, from an early age, are socialized to reject feelings. It’s not manly to cry, to be sad, to feel a range of feelings. Men are restricted to anger as the one socially appropriate feeling. Is it a wonder we have so much violence?  

I am grateful to be able to help men see themselves as fully-feeling human beings. To name and acknowledge their traumas, extend kindness towards themselves, and find positive ways to express hidden feelings. We each have a deep need to be known, and expressing our feelings allows us to be appreciated for who we truly are. Also, we usually feel closer to someone who’s shared their feelings with us. Not expressing emotions limits intimacy and creates shallow rather than deep relationships.  

We have to do better with young boys and make space for them to feel without being mocked as weak. It does no one any good to keep emotions hidden. They don’t go away. They create unrelieved stress, psychosomatic symptoms, addiction or simply fester and come out sideways (often in dangerous and uncontrolled ways). We want men and young boys to feel the fullness of their emotions and the comfort of being accepted and understood.   

Taking the Sting Out of Criticism

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Being criticized is hard. It’s hard for everyone. We’ve all experienced those so-called “helpful reminders” and types of harsh criticism that withers our soul-- all implying we’re defective, that we've done something wrong or not lived up to expectations. It doesn’t feel good to sense you’re lacking in character or that you've let someone down. Criticism often tends to disempower us rather than motivate us to change.   

We each have our own unique collection of critical encounters, and they certainly leave a sting. I remember not knowing an answer in Algebra class and with each subsequent question I was asked, being less able to answer. It was humiliating and made me feel thoroughly stupid. It still rankles. Or at home, stating my opinion only to be told I was being sassy, when I thought I had an equally valid point of view. We all have bruises from being criticized in the past; we are primed to be wary when we hear them in the present.

These prior experiences are tucked away in our memory bank and remembered by our fear center, and that fear center goes on alert when it hears negative comments coming our way. These comments are read as potential threats, so our natural protectiveness takes over. The problem is that these aren’t always threats and our strong responses are often an overreaction. This is especially true in personal relationships where there is a mutual caring. 

How do we calm this fear center in our brain, so we can listen respectfully to someone’s legitimate complaint about us?    

The dilemma of staying calm in the face of criticism is something I’ve been struggling with both in my own relationships and in finding ways to talk about it with the couples I see. Criticism can be so explosive that some couples avoid it all together. They have functional, but superficial relationships, without real intimacy.   Aside from this extreme avoidance, I’ve noticed three general reactions to criticism:

1. Counter attack - Before the other person even finishes, there is an aggressive counter response with blaming and resultant arguing. Or, there might be intellectual questioning which is less aggressive, but still an attack on the validity of the criticism.
2. Withdrawal - In this style, there is disengagement and no discussion. There is a despairing belief that no solution is possible, and the response is either an activation of despondence or internal rage.
3. Self- blame - This response prompts a quick withdraw of the original criticism and a sense of self advocacy is lost. It is replaced by negative self-statements or self-doubt. The point of view of the other dominates.  

No matter which pattern emerges, they arise from our early adaptations to perceived threat. When we are in this reactive space, we are unable to be truly present and available for dialogue. Therefore, no true resolution or understanding can take place. We are stuck protecting ourselves and not being open to hearing how someone else has been hurt. 

How do we disrupt these patterns and become open and willing to listen?   

What I have come to realize is that first you have recognized your unique pattern and then pause to disrupt your automatic behavior. So, if you tend to react quickly you have to slow things down, and check the tendency to argue. If you withdraw, you have to stay put, and know that you have the strength to manage disagreements. Or if you agree too quickly, you have to resist that urge, and honor your own perceptions and needs. In each of these situations, you first have to halt the habitual behavior, calm your body and hold your heart. Extend self- compassion in the moment when you feel the twinge of hurt from the criticism. It might go like this:

• I can feel the hurt of that comment, and my desire to act, but I don’t have to agree or defend myself. I can take some deep breaths and let my body calm.
• I can remind myself that 'this is not about me'. S/he is describing his/her experience. His/her unique way of seeing the world based on her experiences, her needs and desires.
• I can remember that I know myself to be a thoughtful person.
• Right now, I can help the situation by listening to his/her hurt. I can be curious about their reality, which is not necessarily my reality.
• I can say:  I’m so sorry__________,   I care about you and don’t want you to suffer. Or: I see you’re mad. It’s hard for me when you’re mad, but I want to be respectful and hear what you have to say.  
• I can know that there will be a time for me to share my own opinion when s/he feels thoroughly understood. Waiting is an act of generosity and commitment to the relationship.
• I can help repair this situation by asking for suggestions about how we might do it differently in the future.

The Magic of EMDR: How Sarah Gained a Newfound Understanding

I’ve been using EMDR for many years now.  An initial skeptic, I’m now a firm believer of its capabilities.  I’ve been impressed by this treatment's effectiveness in uncovering deep wounds and unconscious self-blame time and time again. Often, difficult life experiences or trauma can leave us with an unreasonable sense of responsibility as well as self-doubt. Part of EMDR’s effectiveness is not only in examining those faulty assumptions, but in understanding the body's states and emotions that accompany them. Usually, these are unconscious states with high reactivity and a stuck pattern. EMDR can reduce this reactivity so that new patterns and new self-assessments can occur.

Image Credit: North Boulder Counseling

Recently, I saw Sarah. She was referred after having tried several different treatment approaches. For the last couple of years, she found herself unable to drive to new locations. If she was familiar with a location, she was fine, but panic ensued if it was someplace new. Even thinking about it felt overwhelming. She found herself avoiding activities and making excuses for not attending outings with friends, work get togethers, and invitations to unknown places. Her life was becoming more and more restricted.   

After we did a history, we uncovered several upsetting incidents related to driving. We chose a couple to target. The one I thought would be most traumatic, an angry husband fed up with her fear and purposely driving into oncoming traffic, was not on the top of her list. Instead, it was something that seemed much more innocuous-- getting lost in a subdivision.  It was this experience that held all the energy and caused panic. Most of us know the frustration that comes with getting lost in a labyrinth of winding streets, but for Sarah, it brought on a panic attack: narrowed vision, heart palpitations, shallow breathing, and trembling.

As we prepared the EMDR protocol, I asked Sarah to imagine this scene, being aware of her body and any negative thoughts. The feeling that emerged was “I’m not competent,” as well as shame and anger at herself for not being able to manage a seemingly simple situation. As we continued with the eye movements, something shifted, and a new thought emerged. This can happen, where a more salient thought bubbles up. This new thought was not about her competence, but instead her invisibility. When she called her husband for help, he was annoyed and refused to come to her aid since she couldn’t tell him where she was. It was a replay of earlier childhood experiences where she had been denied help.  

As the oldest of five, she had excessive responsibilities. Her parents were neglectful and put her in charge of her siblings, expected her to make dinners and babysit. On the few occasions she asked for help, she was told she could handle it. So, even though fearful, she stopped asking and developed a belief that her needs were illegitimate. When her husband refused to help her when she was lost, she had the same sense of being invisible. Being denied help when she was distressed and fearful exacerbated a sense of helplessness and self-blame. She needed reassurance and guidance, precisely what was absent in her childhood.

As we continued with more eye movements, her distress began to recede, and at one point, she could see herself upset but not immobile. Instead, she imagined going up and down the streets until she found the right location. At this point in the processing, she imagined a way to proceed and was no longer stuck in frozen fear, but had new energy and confidence.  

While initially not very believable, she settled on, “My needs matter and I can expect help when I need it.” Sarah rarely asked for help. Instead, she was the one who extended help.  If she was distressed, she found ways to distract herself that didn’t involve other people. Yet this new idea of her worthiness to be seen and cared about was gaining strength. After a few more sets of eye movement, her face began to soften and a smile emerged. “It still feels weird, but I like it.” Sarah had had so few life experiences of being able to rely on others, it was hard to believe it was possible. She was pleased by this idea, and could now see the legitimately of her needs and allow for more self-care and reliance on others.  

It’s hard to understand in advance what hidden experiences might impact our current functioning. Sarah herself was surprised that her early experiences of being denied help were behind her current driving aversions. She knew something was off, and had been diligently seeking help, but logically understanding that her fears were unfounded was not making things better. I believe the magic of EMDR comes from being able to tap into the unconscious patterns that stay locked in our nervous system and being able to unlock their power so that more adaptive patterns can emerge. For Sarah, her fear of driving to new locations has all but disappeared.

How Do We Maintain Happiness?

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Just recently, I finished The Book of Joy by His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. These two men provide such wonderful wisdom, sharing the same belief that joy or happiness come from within. This is something that few of us cultivate and something that which our materialist society insists can be found externally. The message we receive from our larger culture is that we will be happy when, and if, we have a bigger house, a better job, the right clothes or more money. Yet, these two men maintain that this is not where true happiness resides. It is not about acquiring more things or more money; These are not the sources of happiness. Nor is happiness solely reliant on self-interest. Rather, it is about taking care of yourself, and expanding that care towards others as well. It is about mindful living, emotional resilience and being generous towards others.

The narrator of the book sites a research study that I found very interesting, and in many ways, parallels the thoughts of the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Sonja Lyubomirksy discovered there were ultimately three factors that significantly affect happiness:

1. The ability to reframe our situation more positively

2. The ability to experience gratitude

3. To choose to be kind and generous

Reframing Our Situations Positively

How does one reframe a situation in a more positive manner? The Dalai Lama had to flee his home in Tibet because of Chinese aggression. How has he reframed this experience? It seems that, without minimizing the loss, he realized that in some ways it gave him greater freedom. He had more access to the people, could be less formal, could engage more with other cultures, and could broaden his knowledge and ultimately, expand Buddhism itself.  The Archbishop struggled through apartheid and came out believing that the struggle was worth the freedoms and equality Africans now experience. It gave him the opportunity to speak out, become a leader, and cultivate patience and optimism.They both serve as examples in how to reframe our own difficult experiences. We can each challenge ourselves to find meaning in our experiences, positive and negative. We can ask: What was there to learn and in what ways have we grown? How can our experience frame new ways of being in the future?This happens all the time when I work with clients. We process difficult experiences. Those that can accept their reality and find meaning, can move on. Others who struggle with denial or anger, get mired in negativity. If, without denying the harm done to you, you can also forgive others, you can free up enormous energy, experience more ease and create new opportunities for yourself.  

Gratitude

It is much easier to focus on the negatives in our lives than the positives. We are, in fact, primed to attend to negatives. Our biological imperative is to survive, and we are wired to notice when something is amiss. That’s the job of our fear center, the amygdala, on alert 24/7, constantly checking to see if danger is near + if we’re safe of not.   Of course, we need it, but it does skew things. In response, we have to consciously account for the positive things, so we can balance out the negative appraisals that happen automatically.   This can helps us have a more realistic appraisal of our experiences. I find it helpful to acknowledge the things I’m grateful for first thing in the morning. Or, you might like the morning gratitude prayer of Thich Nhat Hahn which one of my friends often recites. I think making this a routine practice gives us more lightness and genuine appreciation for all the ways our lives harvest ease and privilege.  

Choosing to be Kind and Generous

I think the biggest obstacle to being kind and generous is the tendency to see yourself as a victim. To then feel your anger/unkind gestures are justified because of someone else’s behavior. While people do act in ways that are unthoughtful or unkind, let that be a statement of their character. We can realize it’s not about us, not our faults. We can feel what we feel, because something hurtful has happened, but learn to be thoughtful about our responses. I think it is that, a moment of pause, that allows us to consciously choose to be kind. A long time ago, I read a statement by Dr. Wayne Dyer that has stuck with me: “When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind.” This is something we can all aspire to practice.

Friend ALL Your Feelings

I recently wrote an article for the November/December issue of New Moon Girls Magazine - a great resource for young girls and their parents.

This particular issue is called "The All About Feelings" issue, so I was excited to contribute to this topic. My post is titled "Friend ALL Your Feelings" where I discuss emotions and the importance of recognizing and accepting different feelings. Read the post in its entirety below:

"Every person has emotions—it’s part of being human. We can’t make them go away. We’re born with emotions, just as we emerge with our five senses ready to go. We cherish our ability to see beauty, hear music, smell a rose, taste ice cream, or cuddle a pet. If we lose one of our five senses, we’ll miss out on the information it gives us.

In just the same way, our feelings give us information about the world. Think of emotions like your sixth sense! Here’s an example. Say you’re crossing a street and a car doesn’t seem to be stopping for you. Sight helps you see the car approaching, but it’s fear that makes you jump out of the way. You won’t save yourself by only seeing the car—you need the energy of fear to motivate fast action. 

All our emotions guide us toward action. They send us a message felt in our bodies that will help us best respond to life challenges. All our emotions—including the ones we often want to banish, such as sadness and anger—are actually crucial to our wellbeing.

Knowing your emotions gives you clarity about what’s happening to you. Have you ever listened to a friend who sounds upset and can’t really figure out what’s going on? As you listen, it may seem clear that she’s actually sad. Once you point it out, it’ll make sense, and she’ll likely begin to relax more. Identifying your feelings—and making that process a part of everyday life—will help you make sense of your experiences.

So why aren’t we better at this? I think it’s because we’ve often been taught that emotions are not valuable. They’re seen as disruptive or even bad. Or we’ve had the experience of being dismissed as being “too emotional.” No one wants to be seen as irrational or not taken seriously. Many girls shy away from expressing their emotions because they get criticized for being “over-emotional” or “a drama queen.” Of course, boys get this message, often even more harshly. When they’re expressing normal emotions, they’re told to not “act like a girl.”

   

These shaming statements make it harder for everyone to accept their natural emotions. That’s bad, because feelings are an honest barometer of how things are affecting us. We need our feelings to feel whole and take action that’s appropriate to us.

Remember in the AWESOME movie “Inside Out” (see it if you haven’t yet) how Joy keeps confining Sadness to smaller and smaller spaces? She wants to deny Sadness expression. So these feelings keep building until Sadness is so heavy she collapses and Joy has to drag her around. This is what happens when we deny our emotions. They don’t really go away, so they make us heavy, stuck, or come out in unexpected ways. When Joy realizes how important it was to let sadness be in charge for a while, things moved forward.

Here are some ways to get ALL your feelings working for you.

• Make an inventory of which emotions you might suppress or have learned are “bad.” Do you know someone who handles these emotions well? Let them be a model for you. Observe their behavior and reactions, and think of the small steps you could take to be more like them. You could even talk with them about it.
• Make a list of ways your feelings affect your physical and emotional health. Keeping emotions bottled up almost always gives us bad symptoms. Have you ever been angry at someone (but you deny it to yourself), only to be sarcastic and mean toward them at another time? Hidden feelings often seep out when we least expect it. Remember how Riley in “Inside Out” hid her unhappiness and ends up stealing money from her parents and running away? Avoiding our feelings often ends up making things worse. We can feel anxious, preoccupied, and less in control. Or our hidden feelings can get stuck in our muscles, giving us tight, aching shoulders, jaw, or back. They might reveal itself in stomach problems or headaches. When we hide our emotions, they get lost to us. Instead of identifying them and then being able to problem-solve a solution, we become ill. 
• Keep a daily chart with a list of your primary emotions on it. Put a check mark on the emotions you felt that day. Notice and jot down where you sensed the emotion in your body. Ask yourself what the emotion was trying to tell you. Let’s say you tend to avoid conflict and hide your anger. As you gain awareness of when you’re angry, you can then imagine different ways you might handle it. Or you might want to ask someone you trust what she or he might do. Get support and talk it out. You’ll also notice that you feel more courageous and confident. You’ll feel more in control and more powerful.  
• Remember that ALL your emotions are there to help you—even the ones you think are negative. In the movie, Disgust in her glittery green doesn’t hesitate to say when something’s yucky. It’s important to be alerted when something’s distasteful, but also potentially poisonous or dangerous. Shame is another hard feeling, but being embarrassed about our behavior helps us to know not to do it again.

Remember, too, that the emotions you feel at any given moment aren’t meant to last. They’re temporary, and they’ll change and often disappear when we express them and work with them. Then that will leave us with emotional space to relax, be playful, and happier."

9 Ways To Have a Healthy, Loving Marriage

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Recently my son got married. In preparation for the ceremony, he asked if any family members wanted to say something. My answer was yes, but I wasn’t sure what I’d want to say. I thought perhaps I’d read a poem, but nothing I looked at felt right. Then I realized that I’d like to share my reflections about what I thought was important about living your life with each other. How do you nurture the “we- ness’ of a relationship as well as maintain a sense of independence? Both are important and needed. We are not one or the other—we are interdependent. We can’t give over everything to another or we lose ourselves, nor can we focus solely on ourselves or we lose the intimacy of connection. Below are my thoughts on how to lovingly relate and care for one another throughout marriage.

1. Love with abandon. Articulate the things that are special about one another. It is a gift to see ourselves reflected positively through another’s eyes.

2. Notice each other’s thoughtful gestures. Comment on them because they build a sense of being valued and appreciated.

3. Perfect your ability to communicate well so you can feel heard. Communication comes from the Latin communicare-to make one. Understanding another’s point of view joins us together.  

4. Accept that misunderstandings happen. You are two different people with different life experiences who won’t always see things the same way. Learn to ignore small annoyances. It’s an act of grace. But if something is truly bothersome, address it quickly so things don’t fester or grow bigger.

5. Be quick to apologize. Take full responsibility for your actions and make amends.

6. Encourage each other to dream big and help one another keep those dreams alive.

7. Nurture your relationship. Give it time and attention. Make space to catch up and connect on a regular basis.   

8. Deepen your intimacy by sharing vulnerabilities so you can experience your relationship as a safe place to be supported and loved.

9. And above all, make your relationship a place of joy. Have fun, create adventures, surprise one another, be silly. Find humor in everyday things. Life is not as serious as we think, so look for the charm in life, be grateful for what you have and cultivate pleasure and ease together.